i am le tired

i haven't been around much lately. probably because bella has adopted a new wake up time of 5am. and that is becoming increasingly earlier, each day. this morning, she was up at 4. while i appreciate her desire to spend more time with her mommy, i could really use more than a few hours of sleep.

sure, part of the problem is that i'm not going to sleep until midnight. but really, i blame joel for that. i never can sleep when he is travelling.

so instead of blogging (or cleaning, or packing, or organizing, or eating) while she takes her naps, i sleep. and then wake up groggy, and let her nurse while i catch a few more minutes. and then let her play in her room, while i lay on the floor, half awake.

i feel like she is a newborn again, only worse, because while i am laying there on the ground she is walking on me, screaming and pulling my hair.

i HAVE stuff to say. but i am too tired to get on the computer to say what i want. so i slowly start feeling like i'm mildly schizophrenic, listening to the rambling "mom"ologue in my head.

even more, i don't have time to READ my favorite blogs. unless i get them in e-mail, because then i can read them laying in bed, with one eye open, off of my phone, when i am trying to fall back asleep after futilely convincing my almost 10 month old that playing in her room at 4am is NOT appropriate.

even after all of that complaining, i look at her, waddling around the living room, "tra-la-la"ing with her little sing songy voice, and i can't help but be overwhelmed by how blessed i am.

either she is that adorable, or i am slowly losing my mind.

the good ol' days

you know, the ones where i could lay my baby down and she wouldn't go anywhere? i could lay her in the middle of the bed and go pee, because she couldn't roll over, or wiggle her way off. i could put her on a blanket on the ground and clean up while she "played" which meant "stared up at the ceiling fan". or even the days where i could put her in the excersaucer and it would entertain her for more than 30 seconds.

bella at 11 weeks. her first trip to disney and meeting her yaya

honestly, we didn't have many days where she was immobile. the kid was rolling over both ways by 3 months, sitting up on her own and army crawling at 4 months, crawling on her knees by 5 months and has been walking along furniture since 6 months. so, when i say i miss the good ol days, those were like 2 months and younger. but boy were they great. i remembered thinking to myself, "this really isn't so hard" and " what's all the fuss about?". and boy did i eat my words. i hate when that happens.

today, bella took a "stutter step" as i like to call it. i'm not going to say this was her first step. it wasn't. i'm pretty sure it was an accident, actually. she was standing up and started to fall towards me, so she put her foot out then swung her other one in front of it, and then grabbed my hands. it was like a controlled fall, more than real steps.

bella at 8 months standing and playing

but it just stands to remind me that walking is our next "milestone" and it scares the pants off of me. it means that soon, she will be talking. then going to school. then having friends SHE chooses. then talking back (which, really will, in all likeliness, start long before any of those other things). and that's when the real parenting starts. where her actions will be accountable. to me! where, when she gets in trouble, people will say, "i blame the parents" rather than, "oh it's just a phase".

my fear is that i'm not really ready for that. up until this point, i have never really doubted my ability to be a mommy. up until this point, i am proud of the decisions i have made regarding her health and well being. i don't leave her in hot cars. i don't let her put forks in light sockets. although i did catch her once chewing on the end of my computer cord. ok, that wasn't my finest moment, but i did take it away from her, so that counts for something, right?

yes. all this anxiety over an accidental, not-really-a-step, step.

i wonder what will happen when she goes to school?