10 things i've learned from being a military spouse

1. learn to open you mind, but protect your heart

this can be true of any situation, but especially in the military. you are going to encounter so many different people, from different backgrounds, different lifestyles, different parts of the world, different races, religions, with all different thoughts on life. if you believe that your way is the only way, you will be very lonely. 

however, there i a time to know the right people to open your heart up to, and not everyone is that person. military families have a way of opening up faster, and giving away a lot, quickly. it's part of the process. make friends fast. you only have a few years, at most with them. just be careful you chose wisely. 

2. things can always be harder. 

and they will be. for you. for others. and usually when you least expect it. we've had multiple deployments,  lost family members while we lived far away, have been separated from our families and each other, and yet, the hardest thing for me so far has been this weird work schedule he is on. he is here, but barely. cora only sees daddy on weekends, and bella for a few minutes before bed. we are living like a deployment, but not really. 

3. goodbyes will not be the hardest thing you have to do. 

when i was a kid, i would cry every time i left my grandparents house. i hated goodbyes. now, we say goodbye, what seems like daily. i've gotten good at it. it's not goodbye. it's see you later. and when people are constantly coming and going, saying hello can be much, much more difficult. 

4. home is not the same for everyone.

as much as we move around, "where are you from" can be a tricky question. and even then, the place you were born may not be home. while we call charlotte home, hawaii really feels like home. we spent our first 4 years of marriage there. bought our first home there. got duke, "got" bella, and pretty much started everything there. 

5. you (and those other spouses) are stronger than you ever thought.

don't count people out. that neighbor who seems to not have anything together, is probably holding it together a lot more than you think. there are days where i look disheveled and may or may not be fully appropriately clothed. occasionally, i look like i am about to fall apart at the seams, however, things are going pretty well aside from a sleepless night here or there (oh, who am i kidding, every night is sleepless). we military spouses go through a lot. we are asked a lot of, without little actual input. we sacrifice a lot, we put up with a lot, and we learn how to keep everyone fed and together on top of it all. 

6. not everyone loves this life, just as not everyone hates it. 

i hate hearing, "that must be so hard" or "you poor thing". don't pity me. i knew what i was getting in to. and i love it. this life suits us just fine. but i also know that the military life is not for everyone. the constant upheaval, no say in where you go or when you go there, no roots. it's not a life for every one. 

7. "family" will become a very complex word.

some of our friends are as close as our blood family. and some closer. we have met people who are completely estranged from their actual families and who have adopted themselves into other families. holidays are spent with whoever is around and you live life together. it all gets very extended. 

8. forget your pride when it comes to having nice things. the movers will just break them anyway.

for our wedding, i registered for 2 sets of nice dishes. in our very first move, just weeks later, several pieces broke from each set, leaving us with a bunch of random dishes. most of our stuff is ikea, refurbished or built by joel, because we have seen some real doozies when the furniture comes off the truck. so we try not to get too attached to anything. or spend too much money on anything.  

9. sometimes it's fun to take the road less traveled. until you realize you aren't the only one who has done this before and there is a reason this road is less traveled. 

whether it comes to shipping an animal, using a certain mover, taking a certain driving route or living in a certain area, there is usually a reason when you find out no one is using that company, or doing things that way. sure, sometimes the road less traveled offers a brighter view. and sometimes, it's a one way road along side a sheer cliff, with cars going in both directions. (that happened) 

10. expect the unexpected. 

because there is nothing else to expect. people always ask, "where are you going next"? and we never ever know. not really. we found out very late we were coming to germany, and even then, weren't 100% cleared until like, 3 weeks beforehand. things get dicey when you try to plan too much, too far in advance. 

today is "be nice to me because my husband is awesome" day.

last month was month of the military child. 

military children go through a lot. and they didn't ask for it. they switch schools every few years, have to make new friends and don't have one house they can say was their childhood home. kids are flexible and seem to absorb the change most of the time, but it can't be easy. bella is 17 months and i can only imagine how hard it must be for her to rationalize why daddy is gone for long periods of time. 

a lot is uncertain in the life of a military child. our job as her parents, who brought her into this situation, is to provide her with the only stability that we can, building on a strong foundation of love and faith. being faithful to God, being faithful to each other, and being faithful to love and guide our children in appropriate ways. obviously, this can be said for any family, but it's especially pertinent to military families. 

i love my military child, who handles things better than i do sometimes. (and sometimes she screams all night long because she misses her daddy.) 

today is military spouse appreciation day. 

being a military spouse is an honor and a privilege. i know that sounds weird-i did choose to be married to someone in the military. i don't mean that is was something bestowed upon me, but i get a lot of recognition for my husbands job. much of which i don't feel i deserve. he is the one helping people effected by disasters. he is the one deploying to dangerous areas. he is the one sacrificing his time, his body, his family, his leisure. but i feel so proud to say, "my husband is in the military". he makes me proud. 

i don't always like what he has to do. but he serves. he protects. he does it willingly. better yet, he does it happily. he diligently does his job and goes wherever he is sent. he is strong and brave and is overflowing with courage. he chose this life. and he chose me to live it with him. i feel honored that he wanted me beside him. 

not everyone is cut out to be a military spouse. it's hard. it's trying. you move a lot. there are no roots. you're far from anything familiar, most of the time. it's a test of your relationship and of your spirit. some people seem to kind of fall into this lifestyle and they resist it, to the detriment of their family. other embrace it, and stand strongly behind their spouse. 

i have been so blessed to be among this amazing group of people. military spouses are like no other. we become family very quickly. we celebrate marriages, births, buying homes, selling homes, holidays, birthdays, and everything in between with each other. often, we are far from home and our blood families, and we rely on the kindness and sympathy of almost complete strangers. we forge bonds that are not easily broken. most of the people i consider life long, best friends are military spouses. they hold your hand, they've got your back, and they even send their kids over to mow the grass. we are godparents to their children and they are second families for ours. i feel so fortunate to say that i literally have friends all over the globe.

today, i recognize the amazing men and women who selflessly support their military spouse, both here and abroad. thank you for your friendship. thank you for your love. thank you for your bravery. you make this life easier and so much more fun. 

1% of Americans may be fighting our wars, 

but we need 100% of Americans to be supporting
 our troops and their families. 

Mrs. Obama and Dr. Biden are asking 
Americans to get involved in any way they can. 

Find out more about Joining Forces to support military families.

military moments: osama is a goner.

today is a weird day.

i'm sure you've all heard that some of america's bravest killed one of the words biggest coward. one shot to the head.

i think a moment is deserved for all those who lost their lives and loved ones on 9/11 and for the men and women who have fought and died valiantly, leaving behind babies and lovers and mothers and fathers, in the pursuit of this evil man.

..................................................................................

i woke up this morning and checked my news app on my phone. the top headline had my jaw dropping to the ground. i don't watch much tv, so my only source of news is that app and facebook. i know, that's way lame, but i am so disconnected with reality.

my first thought was elation. this man hunt was finally over! it's over! we're done! YES!!! i finished the article, put down my phone and sat with bella as she watched mickey mouse (the only thing we do watch on tv. that and handy manny).

and then i had another thought. and that one was not so great. i was scared. leading up to this deployment, fear has not really been in my mind. i was bummed we would be apart-i would miss him, bella would miss him. i hated that we would not get to celebrate our anniversary, the holidays, my birthday, bella's birthday. i was anxious-it seems to take forever for them to leave, which means that's just longer until they come home. but fear didn't really cross my mind. not for me and not for him. we know a lot of people who have deployed and come back safely, and i thought things were settling a little. it didn't seem so unstable.

and then, we killed the queen bee. and the reality of what is to come seemed to hit home. heightened safety alerts, anticipated threats of retaliation. these words are not comforting. i'm pretty sure they aren't meant to be.

obviously, the threat is not certain. we are anticipating them. meaning none have been made, none that we know of anyway. but it still scares me.

i read articles about the possible threats. dumb move. i seem to have a morbid curiosity sometimes and this is not a good time to indulge that.

i'm praying that we don't rest on our victory in the days and weeks following this. and i pray for the safety of everyone serving in the military. mostly, right now, i am asking for peace of mind.

-----

i have not been posting much lately. i can't say i haven't had time to get on here. i just haven't made the time. it hasn't seemed as important as taking in moments that are happening. bella is busy, constantly. chasing her and keeping her entertained has become more time consuming than ever. and also more rewarding.

and joel being gone has pretty much consumed my thoughts. i can't talk about much, and that makes it harder, and i definitely can't write about it, except to say he's gone. and sometimes i don't even feel comfortable putting that out there (by the way, i have two giant, ferocious dogs who will eat you if you aren't supposed to be here. and i know combatives, just in case there are any bad guys reading this. i will cut you. ). my mom is staying with us while joel is gone, in part to help me, and in part so we can help her. and that makes things easier. at least i am not alone in a house with a toddler. i can already feel my brain turning to mush.

tonight, when you sit down to dinner with your family, and bless your food, take an extra moment to thank the people who fight to protect you every day, who are leaving families behind, who are sacrificing their lives for people they have never met. and before you say anything negative (especially on twitter or facebook) about our military, think about why you are able to say what you think. don't trivialize the sacrifice these men and women are making. they died so you can speak your mind. but a little respect wouldn't kill you either.

and i mean that in the nicest way possible.

mama kat's writers workshop: friends

i've talked before about how the military life has caused us to move a lot. it's no secret. we move every 3-4 years. i realized in college that this situation could, put simply, suck. i had made some of the closest friends i could imagine, and then i realized that i would be moving half a globe away from them. and then? in 4 more years? i would do it again. i decided then, in my absolution of youth and knowledge, that i would simply never open my heart to anyone and wouldn't make any friends.

only, that never works. because i am a big open-upper. BIG TIME. and also? i really like having friends. so i made a few. some of the best friends ever. we laughed, we cried, we did really awesome stuff. there was one in particular that helped me through some of the hardest stuff i had faced. and then we said goodbye. 

now when we moved, i had new resolve. now, i want to make as many friends as possible. only, we are going to a base that deploys a lot, with not a lot of spouses my age, and i had a new baby. 

enter my friend, t.

she has 3 boys, 2 in high school. her husband works with my husband. they did the baby thing. they are now on to the high school thing. but we keep running into them, and we keep having awesome conversations. so we start to hang out. and they are just like us. FUN! (i'm not delusional one bit. we are pretty awesomely fun people.) 

we go camping, we go geocaching, we go swimming, we do all sorts of fun, awesome stuff with this family. her husband deploys, and we hang out constantly. then joel deploys, and leaves me here with a brand new baby, and t is by my side the whole time. then our husbands come back and we do more fun stuff. then joel deploys and i have to move. the baby, 2 dogs, and a 3 bedroom apartment +a storage shed full of stuff. by myself. in 3 days. i ask t. because she is my closest friend. the one i trust the most. i hate asking for help. and she understands that. and she brings her boys and she comes over.

t, her 2 teenagers, and me. 3 days. it was amazing. and hard. but we did it. and then i had to go to florida to help my mom. and i left my house-boxes everywhere, lots of cleaning needing to be done, rooms to be painted. i worried for most of the time i was in florida, because there was SO much to do before joel got home. 

i decided to come back a day early. i knew i would need lots of time. and with a baby? i would need even more (plus maybe a small army.....) i got home late that night, maybe around midnight. i walked in my house and........

::speechless::

there were no boxes. there were no paint cans. there were things hanging on walls. the ugly wallpaper that plagued the dining room? gone. the room,  now painted perfectly, as i had imagined. my kitchen? painted, even down to the chalkboard for bella. pots and pans put away, towels folded and put away. bella's nursery? set up. everything. 

for a minute i just stood in my kitchen. crying big crocodile tears. i was tired, i was overwhelmed, and i had nothing to do but go to bed. my friend, t, had done. it. all. 

then there was this weird feeling that came over me. embarrassment? a little. i had never had a friend who did something so huge, so selfless, for me. i have had some amazing friends and they have done a lot for me, but this was on a whole different level. an extreme makeover, home edition level. i'm unworthy of that kind of friendship. i have done nothing to deserve that thoughtfulness. i was a good friend, sure. a good friend. not a great one. my attention was focused on my baby and my husband and my mom and my sister and my dad and.......not on my friend. in that moment, i was scared. i was afraid i would lose that wonderful friend. i could never repay her for the thing she had done. and now we were uneven. i felt like i would always owe her this huge favor that i could never repay.

a few weeks went by. we hung out a few times, and i started to realize that she didn't want me to repay her. she just wanted to be my friend. she. wanted. to. be. MY. friend. she didn't care if i never repaid the favor. 

{i don't usually get "religious" on here. but people?

 is that not the most amazing parallel to the gospel? 

God loves us, forgives us, and sacrifices His Son for us. 

and all he wants is us. nothing we can do. nothing we can give.} 

my friend has this uncanny ability to serve. that is her gift. what a weighty but precious gift it is, too. the ability to give of ones self without receiving anything in return. she is strong, willing and able. and she gives happily. it often leaves me speechless. 

and again, i am blessed to have made such an awesome friend. that i will move away from in one year. but it will not be goodbye. just as i have moved from other friends and not said goodbye. 

this post has been brought to you by mama kat's writers workshop where the prompt was, 

Write about a time a friend left you speechless.

silver and gold, my friends. silver and gold

i've been looking at pictures on facebook from friends i had in high school and college. i see them hanging out with other people i was friends with. doing fun stuff i used to do with those same people.

sometimes, i let my mind drift to thoughts toeing the line of, "what if...."

what if joel wasn't in the military.......

what if, after we got married, we had stayed in charlotte......

we would be going to the lake on weekends, going to places we loved, with people we had known for forever. or would we?

i snap myself back to reality.

we aren't in charlotte. we joined the military and moved away right after college. we aren't around familiar people. we meet new people everyday, because everyone around us is new to us. we have a lot of things still in boxes, because we move too often to really unpack and settle in.

but i don't hate that lifestyle. and who's to say i would like living in the same place for the rest of my life?

i have friends all around the globe. i have been exposed to a plethora of different lifestyles and social classes. i've seen some off the poorest of the poor, and some of the richest of the rich. it's still relatively early in our miltary career, so while we have been to a lot of interesting places, there are lots more coming our way.

and the friends. 

the friends, i couldn't buy. i couldn't imagine. i couldn't believe.

some people have the same friends their whole lives. they live and die in the same places. i used to long for that type of life. part of me still does. but the longer i live in this life, the more i am certain that i was made for it. moving around can be isolating. just as you begin to feel comfortable somewhere, your world is turned upside down and you have to start all over. if you look at it that way.

the other side of the coin? you get to make great friends, and then go on a new adventure, staying in contact with some and making  more. it's a unique opportunity to see what the world has to offer. to take in different cultures and different lifestyles. to be exposed to different ways of life and different ideas. i'm not sure you can pay for this experience.