if i wasn't so sick, i might have something better to say

i have nothing interesting to say, it seems. 

i have been sick as sick gets and doped up on nyquil for the last 5 days. which pretty much ruined christmas for me, but not for bella! so here are some pictures from christmas. that's all i've got.

a laptop and a headlamp. now i am JUST like daddy!

best. day. EEVVVVVEEEEEEERRRRRR!

going camping. see you guys later!

i much prefer these awesome things to my lame gifts. remember that next year, santa!

that's all for now. hopefully some sleep will do me good and i will have something worth while to say in the morning.

merry christmas and happy new year! 

merry christmas.

Merry Christmas! from our littlest elf. 

getting rid of my jiggly booty

i've started running. i know, perfect time to start, right?

i've always been somewhat active (more or less at different times in my life. most recently? less. much, much less.), but i have never, i repeat NEVER been much of a runner. not even when i played sports. i have big feet and short legs and bad knees and am a little top heavy. nope, those puppies didn't make their appearance just for the baby.

and i have excuses. because, really? who LIKES to run?

no you don't. no way. not possible. don't lie to me.

i'm starting out pretty slowly. i don't really enjoy running. so i don't want to burn myself out. i have been running 1.5 miles, then walking the last .5 mile. i know, to all you hard core runners, that is a warm up. but you have to remember, i. don't. run. unless i'm being chased. by a rabid dog. down a hill.

it takes 21 days to form a habit. i am on day 3. lame. i know. but i'm setting small goals.

goal #1-run 1.5 miles, every day, for one month.
goal #2-starting in february, run 2.5 miles, every day, for one month.
goal #3-run 5k every day.

that's it. i just want to be able to run a 5k, without walking, by the spring. maybe then, i will reevaluate, and try to make new goals for time.

this isn't about losing weight though, obviously, i am hoping it leads to that. this is about making myself stronger. making goals and reaching them. being a better me.

and making my jiggly butt, a little less jiggly.

i am not the mom i want to be.

the mom i want to be, is up before the sun.

the mom i want to be, bakes cookies and cakes, but never gains a pound.

the mom i want to be, is always put together perfectly.

she is productive and motivated and gets stuff done.

the mom i am? the mom i am, tries to milk every last second of sleep before the baby gets up.

the mom i am doesn't keep any sugar in the house (except for at christmastime. because christmas and sugar? go hand in hand), because guaranteed i will gain 20 pounds if i do. 

the mom i am looks disheveled and kind of smells funny. like a mixture of sleep and dog and slobber. most of the time.

i am tired, and overwhelmed, and i am lucky to check one thing off my list per day.

i am not the mom i want to be. clearly.

but i am the mom that i am. i forgo showering sometimes, so i can play chase with my little runner. i let the dishes pile so i can push bella around the house in her car, "drifting" through the door ways. and i still sometimes nap when she naps.

martha stewart, i am not. i'm not perfect. i don't have picture perfect moments. and i guarantee, if you took pictures of most of my day? it might strike fear in the hearts of engaged boys everywhere.

i am not the mom i wanted to be. but i am the mom that i am. and i am the best mom that i can be. and i think my kid is alright with that.

ask, and you shall receive.

first. go check out my friend. she writes a food blog and shares some great recipes. and some good advice. like, don't cut off your finger. awe inspiring, my friend. her food? de. lic. ious. so check her out. you won't be sorry.

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y'all? my christmas list? almost fulfilled. i mean, "someone" must have sent my letter to joel santa because the next day? i got a tree. and it is half decorated. so, that's a bonus, because decorations? weren't on the list.

plus also? we went to atlanta this weekend and last night? full. nights. sleep. no, joel didn't get up with the baby, or anything. BUT she did sleep all night, and in a pack n play, no less.

so, i'm all giddy that things are happening for me. i should put what i want in print more often. and then beg bribe ask someone to send it to joel. because we all know he doesn't read this without a little prodding (he is supportive of my writing, he just doesn't like hearing stories twice).

as i said before, we went to atlanta this weekend. we went to a carolina/atlanta hockey game thursday night. it was a first for the whole family and i had NO CLUE what was going on. but it was a really exciting game and went into a "slap off", as i called it.....wrongly. of course. like i said, no clue. bella loved it and rocked back and forth when the charge song played (i thought that was for basketball?) or when people were yelling. carolina won, which was pretty exciting. even though we were in the wrong house, we still cheered for them. at first? i thought i might get in a fight. because hockey fans are crazy. but when the guy in front of us tried to fist bump (every single person in the arena) me and i said no? he didn't beat me up. (he was cheering for the wrong team!) so, i actually started to clap when we scored. and when we won? i jumped up. much to the dismay of the drunk group behind me. but, i didn't get throat punched. so. there we go.

the next day, we spent the day exploring the city. we are from charlotte originally, and came to atlanta probably once a year, so we are pretty familiar with all the major tourist landmarks. but this weekend we went to the children's museum with bella. i'm pretty sure that was the most fun day of her little life. it was fun to see her enjoying all of the exhibits. and of course we enjoyed ourselves.....we are two big children. it made me wish we lived closer to the city to be closer to things like that. the macon children's museum was reminiscent of a middle school science fair project. and i have found few places to go for structured classes for the baby (or unstructured classes).

after that, we headed through centennial park for lunch at googey burger. it wasn't too expensive and the veg out burger was PERFECT for bella and me. of course, joel ordered the cheesy chilli fries, you know, to warm up.

we probably only totaled about 6 miles of walking that day, but i love seeing the city as a tourist.

while we were at breakfast friday, bella started signing "milk". i almost didn't recognize it, but i had bought her one of those milk boxes-the horizons ones with the straws, and she drank a little of it, then ate some and then started to open and close her hand. and she did it the rest of the morning. so her repertoire includes "more", "food", "please" and "milk". which is more than i ever thought she would sign.

my christmas list

i don't want a lot for christmas. i really don't. and truth be told, i don't need a dime spent on me for most of it. but, for the benefit of my hubby (who has read my blog...maybe twice) i will put it all out there.

so here goes. my christmas list:

1. a full nights sleep. just one would suffice, but i'll take as much as i can get. and by that, i mean, going to sleep around 9:30pm and not waking up until, oh, say....9:00am. is that asking for too much? maybe. but i haven't slept one whole night through since before bella was born.

2. a clean house that i had no part in cleaning. i think that bears no explanation.

3. this.  with this. in red.. because lola chewed the stuffing out of our current bedding.

4. a day without bella. i love her. with every atom that forms my being. but, with the exception of maybe 2 days, i have been glued to her 24/7/365. there was that one day..... and that was alright, but the guilt i felt for leaving her with my friend for so long, unexpectedly, kind of made it hard to enjoy. and there was the sunburn. and the banjo. ::shudders:: what would i do? find a quiet corner in barnes and noble and camp out. all. day. long.

5. a christmas tree. no. i still don't have one. we decided to wait until after bella's birthday. then my husband worked 15 12-hour days with no day off. so, like, a christmas tree was the LAST thing he wanted to get into. and then? i lost my keys. so. i'm being punished, i think. and there are 11 days til christmas and i still have no tree.

honestly? i think that's it. i don't ask for much. i want joy and cheer and jingle bells and merriment. and a tree. and a break. i'm a simple gal.

so, someone, please, drop a hint to my hubby. because he needs a clue, lord help him. (love ya, babe!)

one.

today, at 7:31pm, bella is turning one. i know everyone says it. but i can't believe how fast it went. really. seriously. fast. 

we celebrated over the weekend with a bird themed birthday party.

we asked guests to, instead of bringing bella gifts, bring a new, unwrapped toy to donate to toys for tots. of course, some people still brought bella gifts. but we collected an entire box to donate in bella's name. my hope is that we continue to do this for years to come and that bella will embrace it as well when she is old enough to make the decision. 

all of bella's grandparents were here. mommy and daddy's friends all came, and bella's buddy, logan was her most favorite guest. she hugged him and kissed him and fought over the car with him. she loves him. 

and without further ado, here is her one year letter:

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dear bella,

one year ago, this moment, i didn't know what you looked like. i didn't know what your voice sounded like. i didn't know what color hair or eyes you had. but i knew that in a few short hours, i would learn all of that. and so much more. 

you started out wide awake and aware, taking in the world around you with as much enthusiasm as a tiny human can. you seemed beyond your time and, even at the ripe old age of two days, you were already able to hold your head up and were constantly looking at things with great focus.

as you grew, your personality began to shine through even more. you had an undeniable ability to make people smile and laugh. everywhere you went, people were enamored with you and would constantly stop mommy to tell me how beautiful you were. they still do. and you bat your eyelashes, and smile. 

at 2 months, mommy, yaya and aunt brooke took you to disney world. you loved the rides and especially lit up at the three caballeros at epcot's mexico in the world showcase. that was one of mommy's favorite cartoons when she was little, and it made me excited to see you enjoying it. 

at 4 months, you started to sit up on your own. daddy had just gotten back from haiti, and you were eager to show off your new talents. you could scoot around and already were getting into trouble.     

                                                                               

you started crawling right around 5 months, on mommy's birthday. 

the next few months were full of mommy chasing you around. over the summer, you spent most of your time in your bathing suit because you loved the pool. which pleases mommy more than you will know. 

at 9 months, 3 days, you took your first steps. and by 9 1/2 weeks, you were walking on your own. 

now, you are one year old. you smile and laugh, you talk and babble, and dance. you are a bright light. you are your daddy's girl. when he comes into the room, you run, full speed ahead, into his arms. 

you know your mind and you are determined. you go for exactly what you want and only ask for help when you are sure you can't do it on your own. you play without fear. and you see no reason why you can't do anything. 

bella, my hope for you is that you keep that independence, unhindered by insecurity or inability, for the rest of your life. 

so many people will try to tell you that you can't do something, for one reason or another. but you can. you can do anything. i hope that i can be an example for you, and that daddy will be an encourager throughout your life, empowering you to make decisions and stand up for what is right. 

i also hope you are a compassionate person. that, no matter what state you are in, you know that you have something to give, and that you give it, freely. 

but mostly, more than anything, i hope that you are happy. that you find joy, true joy. and that it is a joy that is lasting and is good. 

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for posterity, we'll go through the obligatory list of "tricks":

-you say "tuck tuck" when it's bed time, "momma", "dadda", "yaya", "doo" (duke), "lala" (lola), "up", "duwn" (down), "yay me!" (yaya taught you this, this weekend), and you say "pee" (please) and "day doo" (thank you) when mommy says it first. 

-you sign "more" and "food" and are getting close to signing "milk" and "done". we are working on "please" and "thank you".

-you do "touch down" and give high fives, and your newest "trick" is hugging and kissing. you even pucker up your lips. 

-you sleep almost completely through the night, waking once usually with a wet diaper. sometimes, you still wake up twice, and mommy likes to think it's because you miss me. 

-you LOVE your lola. you run up to her and lay on top of her, hug her, kiss her and wrestle with her. and she loves you and just lets you flop around on top of her. 

-you share your food and your toys, though, usually after you take it out of your mouth......still, you are a sweet girl. 

i was bitter before. but now, it's thursday.

today? i am thankful.

i really am. i know i have been sour lately. it has showed in all of my relationships, and i am sorry for that. because i'm not usually snippy. usually i'm bright and cheery. usually? usually, i am encouraging and helpful. but lately? i have been irritated, tired and cranky.

so today, i am thankful for oh so much.

i am thankful that i have friends who forgive me on my cranky days.

i am thankful for a husband who doesn't just love my cheery disposition, but who also loves me because i make beautiful babies, wash his clothes, and can sometimes crack his scroogey exterior and make him giggle (that's right folks, he giggles. and it makes me smile)

i am thankful, that in spite of being "broken", i made a human baby who is stunning.

i am thankful that said baby is strong and determined and talented, even if it makes me very, very tired.

i am thankful for my husbands job that,  may leave me sleeping alone many nights, but, provides a pretty comfortable life for us.

i am thankful for two big dumb dogs who rest their heads in my lap, who wag their tails when i look at them and who snoop around the closets like 5 years olds trying to find their christmas presents. (duke has found them twice......)

and lastly? i am thankful for the flurries that fell last night. because i like snow. and i like unexpected things. like snow. in georgia. it's like an early christmas present.

a bitter, old hag

we have been busy. 

not really. but i have an almost one year old. so every day feels like it's been a long one. lately, our schedule has made me very, very tired. 

i'm really surprised that i haven't lost weight. so, to all you skinny moms who, when asked how you look so great, say "oh, i chase a toddler around"? you're lying. you were skinny before. that's why you are skinny now. 

because i was fat before. and i'm fat now. i chase a very hyperactive one year old who doesn't sit still for two seconds and i don't eat, and i am not skinny. 

i don't know where i was going with that. except to say that i have become a bitter old hag. i'm hating on all kinds of people lately. and that isn't usually how i roll. 

i'm hating, obviously, on the skinny mommas out there. because i hardly eat and i'm constantly moving, yet i am not getting rock hard ab's nor do i look svelte in my skinny jeans. (i don't really hate you, just to be clear. i'm just jealous.)

i'm hating on people who sleep all night. because, yes, my one year old still wakes up at night. sometimes twice. OCCASIONALLY, three times. but we don't talk about those times. those are very dark times. 

i'm hating on people who have a christmas tree. because december is almost half way through and i still have no tree. actually, not much around here resembles christmas. we have stockings up, and an advent santa. there are lights on the back porch, but they are always there. and there is a wreath on the door, but, again....always there. christmas was so much more fun/easy when i didn't have to plan anything. 

pretty much, i am sleepy and cranky and uninspired. 

and this weekend is bella's first birthday. which might be adding to my crankiness. my baby is turning one. and it makes me sad. 

is that not one beautiful one year old?

baby, it's cold outside

one happy little elf

after scrolling through those, my mood has started to lift a little. 

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be sure to check the "bella dines in paradise" tab for new recipes!