oh, woe is me.

i'm not one of those ladies who enjoys pregnancy.

i'll come right out and say it: with the exception of the outcome, i hate it.

i love babies. i want lots of kids (by lots i mean, give me 6 months to see how 2 goes, but i probably want more, after i forget what pregnancy is like). and i am SUPER grateful that i even possess the ability to conceive and carry a child.

but this 40 weeks of torture is just not my bag, baby.

i spend about the first 18-20 weeks sick. don't say/cook/think/look like any meat product, or i might ralph on your face.

in both pregnancies, weeks 18ish-30 have included moving across the globe-so i can't truly speak to the miserableness of pregnancy in that time frame. but let's just say that if i get pregnant in 3 years, someone shoot me.

finally, the downward slide from 30-40 weeks for me include a return of morning sickness, heartburn that won't quit, the inability to breathe and eat, RBS (restless body syndrome-totes made that up), combated by an overall sense of "someone hand me a pillow, i will sleep right here, thankyouverymuch."

ugh.

and all those doctors visits? every 2 weeks i feel like an animal. i miss my appointments in the states, quite honestly. the novelty of having an ultrasound every appointment went out the window when i also have 3.5 hours of poking and prodding and listening and feeling to get through. with a toddler in tow.

so all that complaining aside-today i had an appointment. i will be 35 weeks on friday, so the misery is almost over. glory be.

i lost weight. am showing no signs of pre-term delivery. but my blood pressure is kind of high, and that whole "i can't breathe" thing is leading me to a date with an ekg machine. boo-hiss. i'm sure it's because there is zero room left for lungs what with a baby in there and all, but the doctor didn't think it was very funny. and i've been given magnesium, for the restlessness that keeps me up all night.

the trouble is, i get very little feedback at my appointments, and it's mostly the doctor talking to the nurse in german. i'm all, "wait, what was that?" and they're all, "oh, you're fine". but i definitely heard "pre-eclampsia" and "high blood pressure" which scare the pants off of me.

my hospital doesn't have a NICU, which means if there are any baby complications, she will be sent to another hospital, while i hang out in this one for 4 days. that kind of ruins all my plans, man. so, i will be praying for nothing to go wrong, am cutting out red meat and anything else that spikes blood pressure, and maybe i will start drinking red wine.....that lowers BP, right???

seriously, i'm pretty sure everything is a-ok, because no one sent me home with any instructions, per se.

the good news is, the baby is steady freddy, and i am still wearing normal clothes (pants mostly, and about 75% of my shirts) which rocks my socks off, because maternity clothes kind of cramp my style. which is to say, i am just too cheap to buy clothes i will wear for 2 months, and then by the time i am on the next kid will be unfortunately dated. but i am enjoying wearing leggings like, 24/7. and lately will put on anything that is clean, or at least doesn't stand on its own.

i couldn't help myself. 

by the way?? it's october!!!!! that is one thing i am not complaining about. the weather is fan-freaking-tastic, and it's finally fall!

6 weeks

6 weeks until little cora joins our family.

i'm not entirely sure i am ready to be a mommy to 2!

we have had our things for over a week (or is it 2?) now and i still don't have the nursery done. i barely have anything done, for that matter. we have boxes in the hallway, wrapped pictures in the bathroom, and it looks like there was a small electronics and clothing explosion in our room.

i have the bedding, the crib is set up, and all the wall decor is picked out, but the problem we have encountered is, the room is just too small. honestly, i don't think i have ever seen a bedroom this tiny before. on the flip side (and across the hallway), bella's room is HUGE.

elephants and some stuff i'm working on for the decor. 

that little corner is the perfect size for the crib. at least the bedding fits!

this room is so small, and has also become a catch-all for things we don't have a spot for yet

what a problem.......

in baby news:
-cora has begun getting the hiccups. i had forgotten all about when bella used to get them. they are weird, but i make bella feel them and she thinks it's hilarious.
-cora is not nearly as active as bella was-i swear i thought i was going to be giving birth to a jumping bean. she moves around plenty, but it's usually when i am laying on her. this bodes well for my hope that she is not as fast forward as bella was! i'm not sure i can take 2 speed demon babies.

in me news:
-i feel miserable most of the time. this pregnancy is much more annoying than i remember the first time around. and now i have a cold.
-i've lost 2 pounds. probably because i can barely breathe, let alone eat anything. it's really not as awesome as it sounds.
-nausea is slowly returning. the (incredibly delicious) bbq i made last night made me gag several times. i know it was incredibly delicious because after dinner, i caught joel sneaking bites out of the crock pot (which he rarely ever does, because he's "getting fat".)
-i wake up every night with massive cramps in my calves. it's pretty much the most annoying way to wake up.
-i went through all of bella's old clothes and am getting so excited about having a tiny baby again.

bella:
-is so silly. her new favorite thing to do is apologize. real problem, right? yesterday, i kept telling her no jello (her friends were coming over for a lunch date in a few minutes). so as i am making the little caramel apple bites (another pinterest fail, BTW), she sneaks into the fridge, gets out a jello cup and runs into the living room. a second later, she comes in and says, "aww mommy, i reawwy sowwy i got jello out of da fidge-ee-ator." then she takes a big bite. clearly she knows the meaning of sorry......
-has been measuring everything in sight today. my computer is 400 miles long.
-has been talking a lot (A LOT) more. not that she wasn't talking much before, but it's like having a conversation with a 12 year old now. i was laying in bed this morning, dying a slow death sick, and i hear her dragging her chair into my room. i peer through a half closed eye, and say, "what are you doing?" she says, "bringing my chair in here mommy, so i can look at you." then, "oh i really like this picture you painted, mommy. it's really pretty." then, "can you please turn my chair around? i can't see you when i sit in it."
-every night, right after we finish reading books and singing, bella grabs my hand and says, "i neeeed you mommy! don't go!" it kind of makes me want to cry. it's precious. i know she is just trying to eek out a few more minutes of wake time. but she is very convincing.
-she loves making me birthday cakes. i asked her how old she thought i was. "hmmm...that's a little bit tricky.....300 and a half." yep. she loves me.

i feel like i could fill a book with the silliness that comes out of that child's mouth.

she may be crazy, but she's my baby.

bella started her new music class yesterday. she had a blast singing and dancing and spinning around in circles. per her usual self, she had everyone giggling at her through most of the class.

after class, i was walking out with another mother and she said, "she is so cute, she seems like she has a huge personality"

to which i responded, "yes. too big!" (insert eye roll and nervous laugh)

i got in the car and said to myself, "why did i just say that??"

see, bella has a personality bigger than her tiny body, that's for sure. but i don't think it's too big. i love it. i think it's perfect. she is wild and crazy and silly and it's just fantastic. there are days where i wish she would reign it in a bit. it is exhausting trying to allow her to have her personality and also be socially acceptable at places like the library and grocery store. but as a whole, i love her quirks.

but i find myself saying things like that whenever anyone compliments her. and it's grating my nerves.

"i love her hair!"

it's so wild.

"she is so sweet"

she is a mess.

i do it when someone compliments me too. deflect. self depreciate. i hate it, but it makes me feel super awkward when anyone says anything nice about me.

when i do it about myself, that's fine-it's something i have embraced and even try to make a joke out of it.

but i hate when i do it in regards to my child. or my dog. or my husband (that's a whole other story......).

i am so proud of bella, and even when she misbehaves or does something embarrassing, i love her and appreciate the things that make her, her. but the response has become so knee-jerk, i wonder if i can unlearn it.

i find myself talking about how rotten she is when i get around other people. she isn't rotten. not at all. she does rotten things sometimes, but she is (almost) 3. she doesn't generally throw tantrums, she holds it together pretty well, and she adjusts pretty easily-even though it may not be as quickly/the way i imagined she would.

she does push buttons. mine. her friends. the dogs. she pushes her limits, daily. but she plays on her own, she is wildly imaginative, she is quick witted and she is so smart.

i like to think that we have cultivated a freedom in her to be her own person, and my remarks may not mean anything to her now. but one day, she will understand what it means, and i never want to do anything to dampen her spirit.

i also don't want to come off like i am bragging about my kid. yes, i think she is amazingly fantabulous, but i don't expect that everyone wants to hear about it.

for now, i try to tell her daily, HOURLY! that i love her and think she is so smart/sweet/brave/wonderful. and i will work on coming up with an appropriate response that doesn't deflect or depreciate. perhaps a simple "thank you" will suffice.

reigning in the tasmanian devil

today was a good day. a very productive one. and i have a confession to make.

i hired a mommy's helper.

bella has hit her stride as a tiny tasmanian devil, whirling around the house, causing a path of destruction in her wake. bless her.

last week, i made the executive decision that, if i wanted to get anything done, i needed some help.

my girl couldn't have come too soon. we walked in the house from the store and duke had spread garbage through the kitchen, living and dining room and pooped and peed in the hallway. it took me 45 minutes to get it all cleaned up. but in the rest of the time she was here i did laundry, cleaned the table off, unpacked a couple of boxes, took 4 loads of stuff down to the dumpster and car and even answered a couple of e-mails. all while bella played excitedly with her new bff.

and i felt no guilt.

if it had been a normal day, i would have gotten maybe half of that done, but would have fought my urge to play with her, and my need to get stuff accomplished. we would play for a bit, then i would tell her to play on her own for a bit, and she would for about 2.5 seconds until she hunted me down, strewing all her worldly goods along behind her thus destroying whatever i just cleaned and in the mean time making me feel both angry and guilty.

before i hired her, i thought a lot about it. it isn't much-3 days a week, 2 hours a day. but just that short bit of productive time made the time i spent with bella so much more involved. i didn't feel like i had to split my time, because i knew i would have time to do what needed to be done.

this week, we started getting back into our routine, and having a schedule always makes me feel more productive and like my time really matters, rather than wasting days with no purpose. i am held accountable for my days, and when i go to sleep at night, i rarely have that "i forgot something!" feeling.

we are re-incorporating a lot of the things we did before we pcs'ed: "preschool" (at home), music class, art classes, and playdates, and starting some new things-MOPS begins this wednesday, and it's the first time i have been a part of this group. and of course, my mommy's helper, 3 days a week! =)

since i decided not to put bella in preschool, and keep her home instead, i feel like all of these different interactions will allow for her to get a well rounded experience that i have control over.

next year, we will look into the german preschool near our house, but currently, with cora coming in a few short weeks, i think it would only add to the chaos, and i like being the one to teach her and experience her learning.

so i get more time to see her "feeding duke and reading him dis book about JEEsus. 'once upon a time, there was a castle and in the castle was a baby named JEEsus.' you like dat story, mommy?"

yes, baby. i like dat story.

pregnancy update: 33 weeks

33 weeks. this pregnancy has flown by!

granted, my mind has been focused everywhere else for most of it. 

this morning was my 2nd appointment with my german doctor. other than the couple of nurses who speak very little/no enlglish, it's been so great. somehow, even when they don't speak any english, we still understand each other.

the german baby having process is a bit different than it is in the states. for one, i get to see this little muffin every single appointment. back home, i either had to pay for an ultrasound or i got one at 20 weeks (which, at the last doctor i saw, i had to convince her that our insurance did, in fact cover it. after she made me pay for one......). 

stats:

baby:

girl, healthy and around 4 lbs.

how far along: 

33 weeks

weight gain: 

10 lbs

wearing: 

still mostly non maternity clothes, though my shirts are getting too short and my waistband is a bit pushy. have 2 pairs of maternity pants and have started stocking up with long, warm shirts for the next few months.

how do i feel:

fat. and tired. but mostly fat. i do feel less puffy than i did with bella at this point, and i think i look less puffy too. i think most of the weight i have gained has been belly, where as last time it was kind of evenly distributed. hoping that means postpartum weight loss will be a little less lengthy.

exercise:

until about 18 weeks, i was doing a mix of crossfit and crossfit mom (which is basically a tailored version of crossfit main, for women who are expecting or postpartum). now that we are in germany, we walk everywhere, so honestly, i don't do much else. 

on a personal level, i am SO excited for this baby to get here. not that i wasn't excited for bella, but it was a different excitement, for sure.

we went through so much to have bella, that i think i spent most of my pregnancy worried and anxious-that i would lose her, that i would be a bad mom, that she would hate me.....i realize now how irrational those worries are, but at the time they felt very real. this time around, i kind of have an idea of what i'm doing, and i am so excited to do it all over again. birth to 18 months-ish felt like such a breeze compared to toddlerhood.

bella is excited too and will often say "i love my baby sister!" and will kiss my belly or hug my belly. or ram my belly with her head.....that's not so much fun.

people always say your second baby will be different from your first. i'm hoping that's true. bella insisted on doing everything super early, so i am hoping this one takes things nice and slow.

we decided early on the name, but chose to keep it quiet for a while. really, i decided on the name and made a deal with joel that i wouldn't tell which was the only way i could get him to agree with it. he's difficult that way.

but, seeing as i am due in.....oh.....7 weeks, and things have been monogrammed, i am letting the cat out of the bag. too late to change it now, so, there.

her name will be cora anne.

i really liked coraline, but joel said it was creepy (like the movie), and i didn't want her to be called caroline by teachers. which would so happen. this coming from a "justin". caroline is pretty, but it wouldn't be her name, and it would be annoying. so cora it is. anne after joel's maternal grandmother.

our list was long and he pretty much nixed everything i came up with, and while his names were alright, they were very VERY popular names, and i don't want to yell my daughters name and have 15 kids turn around.

i think in this whole process, naming her was the absolute hardest part.

i've not really been into taking "baby bump" pictures this time around, so i really have nothing of worth to share. but maybe at 36 weeks i will bite the bullet.

that's all for now. 

job title: military spouse

we've been a part of this military life for 7 1/2 years now. that's not a very long time compared to many spouses, but it is almost half way through a career-after this assignment, we will be 10 years from retirement.

most spouses don't speak of their husbands career as "ours" or say "we" when referring to time in service. but the life of a military spouse is not the life of most spouses.

like it or not, we are in it up to our elbows. while we don't "wear rank", we still have duties that we perform on a daily basis. this is never more apparent than during a PCS (permanent change of station), a deployment, or even a field exercise.

we don't carry weapons, we aren't issued gear, we don't wear a uniform, and we definitely don't get paid. but we make decisions and choices that only military spouses can understand. we face challenges that never cross the minds of most spouses.

when bella was 7 weeks old, we were sitting in a movie theater, watching avatar, when joel's phone started to blink. he walked out, answered it, came back in and said he had 2 hours to get his stuff and get on base-he was deploying to haiti. and just like that, i was on my own with a newborn for 2 months.

when bella was 8 months old, joel deployed again, to jordan for 3 months. our lease in our apartment was up (and we were maxed out of space), so i found a new place, packed up the house and with the help of my friend and her cabana teenage boys, we moved all our worldly possessions into the new house.

when she was 18 months old, he deployed again, this time for 6 months to iraq. he left in the middle of summer, so all of the household chores that he usually took care of (mowing the lawn, car maintenance, household repairs) fell to me. i learned how to use every power tool he owned (which is a lot).

and when she was 2 1/2, we got orders and moved to germany. while he was working on getting his work stuff in order, i was dealing with getting the car shipment arranged, the dogs papers and shots in order (which nearly had us leaving him behind-we missed a cut off by mere hours), overseeing the packers, getting medically cleared, getting passports and official documents in order-all in just under 2 months time.

and now, i spend my days transitioning from our old, big, perfect-for-us house into our new, small, stairwell apartment.

i'm not complaining. i love the adventure. but, just like any job, there are hard parts and parts we enjoy.

my "job" allows me to watch my child grow up and takes our family to some pretty amazing places. it affords opportunities unique to military families. it provides relative comfort. it hands us built in community, wherever we go. we have friends all over the world, and friends who are more like family.

but it's emotionally challenging on a daily basis-we left the house where our first baby made her first home. slept her first nights in her big girl bed, spent her days in her yard with her dogs running around carefree, made her first friends-friends she still asks for. she had her first birthdays, first holidays, in that home. she learned her first words, had her first sleepover, took her first steps, in that home. we face spur of the moment separations, stress from military decisions and worldly events that our completely out of our control, and possibilities of loss that most families will never have to think about or prepare for. some days, it seems unfair. but most days, we take it all in stride and understand it is the life we signed up for.

i may not be reporting for duty every day. i may not have standards that i have to perform to. but i perform important tasks every day, so that joel can do what he has to do. i help enable a stable environment for our child(ren), our marriage. i teach, i cook, i clean. i am an event planner, a moving foreman, and a professional unpacker. i ensure the smooth running of our household and the emotional stability of everyone involved.

so when i say "our" job, i am referring to our team that makes up the military member. one day, bella and her siblings will be part of this team. they will make decisions and choices that only military children can understand. they will face challenges that won't cross the minds of most children. and hopefully, their lives with be enriched by being a part of this team.

i know mine has been.

potty training is for the birds

i was talking to my friend this morning about the woes of potty training. she said something that really struck a cord with me. she said, "everybody always talks about how fast their kid gets potty trained, but no one really talks about the ones that take a long time."

it's true. i guess no one really wants to talk about anything their kid does that isn't "early" or "advanced", or even sheds them in a not so great light.

we i am here to do just that.

bella is not potty trained. not in the slightest. (go ahead and shake your head and cluck your tongue. i do it on a daily basis)

i mean, she knows about the potty. she uses the potty, occasionally. but she is by no means anywhere near potty trained. as a matter of fact, the child would probably go the entire day and not even let me change her diaper if i didn't wrestle her to the ground and threaten to beat her not let her play anymore.

when we arrived in germany, the pediatrician said, "what's up with the diaper?" innocently enough, but it just reminded me of the problem i may have created for myself. let me give you my excuses story.

i know too many people who like to share that their little angel was potty trained by 18 months, sleeping in undies at 2! mostly mothers of girls.

"oh, you'll have no problem. girls are so easy to potty train!"

so at 18 months, i bought her a potty. and not just any potty. the fisher price one that looked like a real potty (except with eyes and a mouth and that sang songs when you used it. why do kids get all the cool things, by the way?) and we began our journey. i would let her run around at home with no dipe and it was great-she never had an accident and she would get SO excited every time she used it. and boy did she use it. like every 20 minutes. it was actually kind of annoying after a while. every time she wanted a party.

"ok," i thought. "i need to encourage her! let's get stickers!! and prizes!!" you know. do it up right.

which meant that we had a week long chart, full of stickers after a day.

from everything i understood about potty training (absolutely nothing), if they use it that much, they aren't really ready. so we put it on hold. she wouldn't tell me if she had undies or a diaper on, so i assumed she didn't really know until she was just about to go.

we waited.

she turned 2 and i thought, hey, maybe we should try again. same story as before-she would go so often and only if she was absolutely nakey. and only at home. we had a few breakthroughs over the next couple of months where she would ask to go while she had a diaper on, and i would ask her over and over, and she would always say no, then come to me with a wet diaper. we talked about it, read books about it, watched her friends go. but she never really seemed to feel like it was something she needed to do (my fault, i know).

honestly, it was easier to just let her be in diapers. we travel a lot, which means if we really went at it, we could potentially have to stop and find a potty every 30 minutes or so. i took her potty with us places, but she never wanted to use it unless it was in the "potty room".

then we found out i was pregnant. and we got orders. and i was done.

the thought of me, on a 10 hour plane ride, with a big fat belly and swollen ankles, dragging her to the potty every 30 minutes, or her peeing in her pants on the plane, or even dealing with lugging a potty/potty seat all over while we  were already displaced, made me anxious. so i made an executive decision. unless she asked for it, there would be no more pushing with the potty.

so here we are, bella will be 3 in 3 months and we are no closer than when we started. ever since we unpacked her potty yesterday, she has been naked, and we are about 50/50. she didn't even have this many accidents when she was 18 months.

my biggest fear is that i have ruined her. that maybe i missed the "ready" signs because i was being kind of selfish, and now she just doesn't want anything to do with it. my next biggest fear is that the light will flip right before november, and then when the baby comes, she will have a fit and regress.

so, currently, she is eating a snack, watching little einsteins and sitting on her potty. because i really have no idea what else to do.