sometimes, i get real.

i've been kind of fluffy lately. fluffy and absent. 

i have so much running through my crazy brain but i am trying to wait for the right time to say the right things. i'm pretty sure if i wait too long i may forget what i have to share. 

i have a struggle. i've talked about it before, here and here. i suffer from pcos and/or unexplained infertility. the doctors can't agree. but as of 3 weeks ago, it's clinical pcos (poly cystic ovary syndrome).

when i wrote about it last time, it was the end of september. we had officially been trying for about 3 months. i knew it was a long shot, but i thought i was pregnant. i hoped i was pregnant. 

but i wasn't. obviously. 

people assured me that after having a child, sometimes your body "fixes itself". but it didn't. i kept waiting for the fix. i kept waiting for it to just happen, naturally. like "normal" women. 

joel kept telling me to go to the doctor, we know what worked last time, so i should just go through the same steps. i agreed. i told him i would make an appointment. monday. first thing.

but i never did. i was afraid. afraid that i would make the appointment and go in and i would be told i had to wait again. or had to go through more tests. or had to see "specialists" and take lots of medicines that i didn't know enough about. i was afraid that they would tell me i shouldn't get pregnant right now. or that i couldn't get pregnant ( i know, i know, why would they tell me that? but my imagination is very active). 

i put it off, week after week, just hoping that i would wind up pregnant and wouldn't have to worry about it. wouldn't spend days believing i was, only to find out 8 weeks later that my body had, once again, deceived me. it was a cruel game i played with my mind. 

then, in january, i decided to take control of the game. i made an appointment, and i went in. i had to go on base first, to get a referral to a specialist (hoop #1). then, of course i had to go to the lab and get a pregnancy test, just to be sure (hoop #2. and negative, in case you were wondering), then i got a referral, found a provider and made an appointment. (hoop #3)

the day of my appointment, i was nervous. i had no idea what to expect. my mind raced as i sat in the waiting room, an older couple sitting across from me, and a young girl, maybe 16, sitting with her dad behind me. 

my mind went to that dark place of, "how unfair. she didn't even want to be pregnant. she can't even handle a baby. here i am, trying, able, capable, responsible........". i snapped back to reality. this poor girl. she didn't want to be pregnant. her whole life, changed in an instant. but what i would give to have her "burden". 

it sounds strange, maybe even a little mean. but when you follow all the steps, when you do things "the right way", when you plan and pray and save, and then things don't happen like they should, it's hard not to be a little bitter. a little resentful. but i told myself, self? you are so blessed already. you have a beautiful baby. an awesome husband. a good life. you are loved and you know how to love. stop being envious. your time will come. when He says it's time. it will be. 

some form of this has become my mantra. each day, i remind myself of how much i have been blessed with. how much has been put in my keep. how much i have to be grateful for. 

they called me back into the exam room, and we went over my charts and talked. she reassured me. she was on board with my plan. "let's make you a baby!" she told me, at the end of our meeting. 

no tests.

no doubts.

no worries.

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