the waiting is the hardest part. i mean, it's all hard. but the uncertainty that comes with the slow movement of time is what really gets to me.
when we talked about having our first baby, we decided that we wouldn't tell anyone. it was really joel's idea. his reason was, if something happened, it would be hard to tell people. it made sense. because people are nosy. or they genuinely care. but answering the questions can be hard.
so we didn't. we kept it quite. for almost 2 years. and it was heartbreaking. right at the end of that time, i decided i needed a friend to confide in. so i told my closest friend. and i cried. and i felt a little better. but i still wasn't pregnant.
then i got a little depressed, which isn't exactly an aphrodisiac or anything. i got bitter and it was ugly.
every month, i calculated and charted and recorded. every month i waited. and waited. and then i would be late and i would get excited. i would psych myself out and think that every twinge of nausea meant i was knocked up. that if i felt bloated, or hungry, or craved something, i had myself CONVINCED that i was pregnant. then i would take a test, and it would be negative. and that was the frustrating part. because when your "monthly visitor" doesn't come for 3 months and you're still getting negative pregnancy tests, something is most likely lying. and as much as i hate it, the chemistry of pee is pretty well figured out. so my body was a lying, teasing wench.
i went to the doctor early on after having been off of my birth control for about 5 months. this was when i knew something was wrong. i broke down. because i knew something was wrong, but the doctors said i had to wait a year. because most people will get pregnant within a year. but when every month is off, a year is a long time.
so i got another opinion.and in the first visit he said, "poly cystic ovaries. i know it" and he took some blood. his office was a little closet in an old building and he claimed he created the first at-home pregnancy test. which immediately qualifies him, right? i looked it up. it's true. he is this little old asian man who wears glasses so large that he looks like a cartoon character. he is hunched over and the florescent bulb in his exam room is half out and flickering. and his wife is the office manager, but she doesn't know how to use a computer. it's all a little odd. but i keep going because he promises a pregnancy.
then a year comes, and i get accepted into the infertility program at the military hospital, and into an infertility study, which means everything is free.
to be continued.........