Wednesday, April 3, 2013

going towards the light, and celebrating my military children

this week reminds me about what i love about being a part of a military community. and, whatdyaknow, it just so happens that it's the month of the military child. 

joel is tdy for 9 weeks. for those of you who aren't familiar with military acronyms, that would be a temporary duty. i don't really know what the y stands for, come to think of it....

i digress. 

he is in 'bama enjoying the perks of the states that we had come to miss once the excitement (ehem, warmer weather) wore off on this side of the world. fast internet, fast food....and he gets to see some friends we haven't seen in a while. that's the part i am most jealous about! 

so far, he has been gone for 2 weeks, and this has been the most challenging separation we have faced. in small part, obviously, the two girls make things more challenging. but i think the hardest thing is living in an apartment again. i miss a yard and my garage gym, which would make losing this last little bit of baby weight so much easier. 

up until yesterday, i was in a funk-my week was going badly and i contemplated hopping on a plane and heading back home. where that is, i wasn't sure, but somewhere in america where people i knew lived. my massage was cancelled (which has a more in depth story that makes it so frustrating, trust.), bella has been acting a hot fool, cora has gone on a sleep strike and it seems like each time i finally get everyone settled, duke is there, whining and scratching at the door. to ice the cake, i locked myself out of my google account, essentially losing my beloved blog! i did everything i could to get it back and i kept getting the "cannot authenticate your answers" or whatever. (and i have to admit, writing it out and reading it back, i am thinking..."get yourself together fool. that is not that bad!", but lack of sleep and lack of sun makes everything feel monumental!) 

i tend to turn inwards and not ask for help when i need it. and i try really hard not to complain, especially in a public way. so when things started weighing on me, i knew where i was heading and it had the potential to get dark. fast. and being so far away, there isn't an easy way out. 

and here is where i get back to my point. (see i can focus!)

i reached out and asked for some help with duke. i thought i might get one person who would help me out occasionally, but i had nearly 10 people offer help, or offer their children. a friend offered to take bella for an hour when we saw her last night, and by the time i walked home, cora was asleep, giving me so much time to do stuff. just stuff. dishes, organizing. things that needed to get done, but are impossible to feel motivated to do with two little monkeys hanging on my back. 

my biggest (and probably only) fear coming over here was that i would feel isolated. in that regard, i am my own worst enemy. because there are so many people around me who don't even know my name who are willing to help. we are all in this giant boat together, and we all know what it's like to be single parents for a moment. the heartache when your 3 year old asks why daddy isn't coming home from work. again. the stress when you don't get a break. the countdown that seems too overwhelming at first. 

and these babies. these wonderfully perfectly resilient children. joel and i chose this life. bella and cora did not. bella has been through a lot in her first 3 years of life. she has been away from her daddy for nearly half of it. at the end of this tdy, cora will have been, as well. bella has said goodbye to friends and family and not understood why. and yet, here she is. a normal, bright, budding 3 year old. 
my babies are making such huge sacrifices every day. they don't know what they are missing. they don't know about sunday dinners with grandparents. they don't have vacations with extended family, in the same places. they will form strong bonds quickly that will hold firm forever. their hearts will break in a hundred different pieces, but they will never be broken. they will never be grounded. they will never know the feeling of coming home. they won't grow up anywhere. they will grow up everywhere. they will be expert suitcase packers. they will grow strong roots in God, in each other and in us, hopefully. they will be strong and confident. they will know places many people only dream about. 
they will grow up in a community of people who are just like them.
and they will be fearless. which will be more than i can pretend to be. when they face adversity, i hope they face it head on. i hope they run into the waters, knowing that they will surely rise to the top. 
they remind me to be strong. to ask for help and to give it freely. to be present, because there are times when i am all they have. and i will be. sleep deprivation and all. 
and as you have probably figured out, after a week, i finally got back into my google account and my blogger! i may have scared cora for a moment with my screams of joy. 

it's good to be back.

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