today was the day.

5 days before we celebrate our 6 year anniversary, i find myself up at 6am, driving to the base to drop my husband off for a 7 month deployment. 

we spent the last week taking in each other and our little family, doing fun things when we weren't running around trying to get him ready. we ate out almost every meal, since he may be eating anything from MRE's (nasty packaged food that heats itself....which is just wrong) to something unidentifiable. and saturday, we went to six flags for my moms work function. 

it was a fun filled day of roller coasters (which we haven't ridden in almost 6 years) and rides with the baby. bella loved most of the rides, and especially loved the playground. of course. 

up until last night, it felt like the day he left would never come. i knew it was coming, but for some reason, it didn't seem like it ever would get here. 

we got up and drove onto base early this morning. we pulled into the parking lot, the only other cars belonging to the rest of his squadron who were also deployed. as the transport pulled up beside us, i felt this overwhelming sense of sadness. 

we have weird goodbyes, usually. the last deployment he went on, i dropped him off at the airport, gave him a hug and a kiss and said goodbye. there are no tears, no prolonged make-out session for the world to see, no long embraces or sniffles. just a simple goodbye, and we part ways. i know he'll be back, and i also look at each deployment as a chance for me to prove how strong i am.

when joel is home, i always default most of the typical "man" chores to him. but when he is gone, i have to do it all. and it's kind of empowering. i mow, and build stuff, and put things together, and fix things. 

but this morning was kind of different. this morning, when joel said goodbye to me and bella, and then climbed into the van, bella's lip started to quiver a little. i said, "say bye-bye dada!" and the waterworks started flowing. big crocodile tears just streaming down her cheeks. 

45 minutes later, she finally started to slow the tears. but only after i had shed a few of my own. 

i'll miss him a lot, for sure. but trying to imagine how bella feels and what she thinks is what really breaks my heart. i don't know how to help her rationalize that her daddy is gone and she only gets to see him on the computer and in pictures. she can see him in video's or through video chat, but he never tucks her into bed, or gives her a bath, or plays on the playground with her. and i know he is coming back soon, but how can i communicate that to her. 

bella loves her daddy. sometimes i think she likes him more than she likes me. and that's ok (for now). one day she will know why she is proud of her daddy. and she will be even more so. 

for now, she carries her daddy doll around with her everywhere she goes, kisses him goodnight, eats with him (and feeds him...which gets messy, you can imagine), puts bows in his hair, and snuggles up at night with him. and occasionally, she pokes him in the eye. 

we miss you!!!

today is "be nice to me because my husband is awesome" day.

last month was month of the military child. 

military children go through a lot. and they didn't ask for it. they switch schools every few years, have to make new friends and don't have one house they can say was their childhood home. kids are flexible and seem to absorb the change most of the time, but it can't be easy. bella is 17 months and i can only imagine how hard it must be for her to rationalize why daddy is gone for long periods of time. 

a lot is uncertain in the life of a military child. our job as her parents, who brought her into this situation, is to provide her with the only stability that we can, building on a strong foundation of love and faith. being faithful to God, being faithful to each other, and being faithful to love and guide our children in appropriate ways. obviously, this can be said for any family, but it's especially pertinent to military families. 

i love my military child, who handles things better than i do sometimes. (and sometimes she screams all night long because she misses her daddy.) 

today is military spouse appreciation day. 

being a military spouse is an honor and a privilege. i know that sounds weird-i did choose to be married to someone in the military. i don't mean that is was something bestowed upon me, but i get a lot of recognition for my husbands job. much of which i don't feel i deserve. he is the one helping people effected by disasters. he is the one deploying to dangerous areas. he is the one sacrificing his time, his body, his family, his leisure. but i feel so proud to say, "my husband is in the military". he makes me proud. 

i don't always like what he has to do. but he serves. he protects. he does it willingly. better yet, he does it happily. he diligently does his job and goes wherever he is sent. he is strong and brave and is overflowing with courage. he chose this life. and he chose me to live it with him. i feel honored that he wanted me beside him. 

not everyone is cut out to be a military spouse. it's hard. it's trying. you move a lot. there are no roots. you're far from anything familiar, most of the time. it's a test of your relationship and of your spirit. some people seem to kind of fall into this lifestyle and they resist it, to the detriment of their family. other embrace it, and stand strongly behind their spouse. 

i have been so blessed to be among this amazing group of people. military spouses are like no other. we become family very quickly. we celebrate marriages, births, buying homes, selling homes, holidays, birthdays, and everything in between with each other. often, we are far from home and our blood families, and we rely on the kindness and sympathy of almost complete strangers. we forge bonds that are not easily broken. most of the people i consider life long, best friends are military spouses. they hold your hand, they've got your back, and they even send their kids over to mow the grass. we are godparents to their children and they are second families for ours. i feel so fortunate to say that i literally have friends all over the globe.

today, i recognize the amazing men and women who selflessly support their military spouse, both here and abroad. thank you for your friendship. thank you for your love. thank you for your bravery. you make this life easier and so much more fun. 

1% of Americans may be fighting our wars, 

but we need 100% of Americans to be supporting
 our troops and their families. 

Mrs. Obama and Dr. Biden are asking 
Americans to get involved in any way they can. 

Find out more about Joining Forces to support military families.

military moments: osama is a goner.

today is a weird day.

i'm sure you've all heard that some of america's bravest killed one of the words biggest coward. one shot to the head.

i think a moment is deserved for all those who lost their lives and loved ones on 9/11 and for the men and women who have fought and died valiantly, leaving behind babies and lovers and mothers and fathers, in the pursuit of this evil man.

..................................................................................

i woke up this morning and checked my news app on my phone. the top headline had my jaw dropping to the ground. i don't watch much tv, so my only source of news is that app and facebook. i know, that's way lame, but i am so disconnected with reality.

my first thought was elation. this man hunt was finally over! it's over! we're done! YES!!! i finished the article, put down my phone and sat with bella as she watched mickey mouse (the only thing we do watch on tv. that and handy manny).

and then i had another thought. and that one was not so great. i was scared. leading up to this deployment, fear has not really been in my mind. i was bummed we would be apart-i would miss him, bella would miss him. i hated that we would not get to celebrate our anniversary, the holidays, my birthday, bella's birthday. i was anxious-it seems to take forever for them to leave, which means that's just longer until they come home. but fear didn't really cross my mind. not for me and not for him. we know a lot of people who have deployed and come back safely, and i thought things were settling a little. it didn't seem so unstable.

and then, we killed the queen bee. and the reality of what is to come seemed to hit home. heightened safety alerts, anticipated threats of retaliation. these words are not comforting. i'm pretty sure they aren't meant to be.

obviously, the threat is not certain. we are anticipating them. meaning none have been made, none that we know of anyway. but it still scares me.

i read articles about the possible threats. dumb move. i seem to have a morbid curiosity sometimes and this is not a good time to indulge that.

i'm praying that we don't rest on our victory in the days and weeks following this. and i pray for the safety of everyone serving in the military. mostly, right now, i am asking for peace of mind.

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i have not been posting much lately. i can't say i haven't had time to get on here. i just haven't made the time. it hasn't seemed as important as taking in moments that are happening. bella is busy, constantly. chasing her and keeping her entertained has become more time consuming than ever. and also more rewarding.

and joel being gone has pretty much consumed my thoughts. i can't talk about much, and that makes it harder, and i definitely can't write about it, except to say he's gone. and sometimes i don't even feel comfortable putting that out there (by the way, i have two giant, ferocious dogs who will eat you if you aren't supposed to be here. and i know combatives, just in case there are any bad guys reading this. i will cut you. ). my mom is staying with us while joel is gone, in part to help me, and in part so we can help her. and that makes things easier. at least i am not alone in a house with a toddler. i can already feel my brain turning to mush.

tonight, when you sit down to dinner with your family, and bless your food, take an extra moment to thank the people who fight to protect you every day, who are leaving families behind, who are sacrificing their lives for people they have never met. and before you say anything negative (especially on twitter or facebook) about our military, think about why you are able to say what you think. don't trivialize the sacrifice these men and women are making. they died so you can speak your mind. but a little respect wouldn't kill you either.

and i mean that in the nicest way possible.