today was the day.

5 days before we celebrate our 6 year anniversary, i find myself up at 6am, driving to the base to drop my husband off for a 7 month deployment. 

we spent the last week taking in each other and our little family, doing fun things when we weren't running around trying to get him ready. we ate out almost every meal, since he may be eating anything from MRE's (nasty packaged food that heats itself....which is just wrong) to something unidentifiable. and saturday, we went to six flags for my moms work function. 

it was a fun filled day of roller coasters (which we haven't ridden in almost 6 years) and rides with the baby. bella loved most of the rides, and especially loved the playground. of course. 

up until last night, it felt like the day he left would never come. i knew it was coming, but for some reason, it didn't seem like it ever would get here. 

we got up and drove onto base early this morning. we pulled into the parking lot, the only other cars belonging to the rest of his squadron who were also deployed. as the transport pulled up beside us, i felt this overwhelming sense of sadness. 

we have weird goodbyes, usually. the last deployment he went on, i dropped him off at the airport, gave him a hug and a kiss and said goodbye. there are no tears, no prolonged make-out session for the world to see, no long embraces or sniffles. just a simple goodbye, and we part ways. i know he'll be back, and i also look at each deployment as a chance for me to prove how strong i am.

when joel is home, i always default most of the typical "man" chores to him. but when he is gone, i have to do it all. and it's kind of empowering. i mow, and build stuff, and put things together, and fix things. 

but this morning was kind of different. this morning, when joel said goodbye to me and bella, and then climbed into the van, bella's lip started to quiver a little. i said, "say bye-bye dada!" and the waterworks started flowing. big crocodile tears just streaming down her cheeks. 

45 minutes later, she finally started to slow the tears. but only after i had shed a few of my own. 

i'll miss him a lot, for sure. but trying to imagine how bella feels and what she thinks is what really breaks my heart. i don't know how to help her rationalize that her daddy is gone and she only gets to see him on the computer and in pictures. she can see him in video's or through video chat, but he never tucks her into bed, or gives her a bath, or plays on the playground with her. and i know he is coming back soon, but how can i communicate that to her. 

bella loves her daddy. sometimes i think she likes him more than she likes me. and that's ok (for now). one day she will know why she is proud of her daddy. and she will be even more so. 

for now, she carries her daddy doll around with her everywhere she goes, kisses him goodnight, eats with him (and feeds him...which gets messy, you can imagine), puts bows in his hair, and snuggles up at night with him. and occasionally, she pokes him in the eye. 

we miss you!!!

silver and gold, my friends. silver and gold

i've been looking at pictures on facebook from friends i had in high school and college. i see them hanging out with other people i was friends with. doing fun stuff i used to do with those same people.

sometimes, i let my mind drift to thoughts toeing the line of, "what if...."

what if joel wasn't in the military.......

what if, after we got married, we had stayed in charlotte......

we would be going to the lake on weekends, going to places we loved, with people we had known for forever. or would we?

i snap myself back to reality.

we aren't in charlotte. we joined the military and moved away right after college. we aren't around familiar people. we meet new people everyday, because everyone around us is new to us. we have a lot of things still in boxes, because we move too often to really unpack and settle in.

but i don't hate that lifestyle. and who's to say i would like living in the same place for the rest of my life?

i have friends all around the globe. i have been exposed to a plethora of different lifestyles and social classes. i've seen some off the poorest of the poor, and some of the richest of the rich. it's still relatively early in our miltary career, so while we have been to a lot of interesting places, there are lots more coming our way.

and the friends. 

the friends, i couldn't buy. i couldn't imagine. i couldn't believe.

some people have the same friends their whole lives. they live and die in the same places. i used to long for that type of life. part of me still does. but the longer i live in this life, the more i am certain that i was made for it. moving around can be isolating. just as you begin to feel comfortable somewhere, your world is turned upside down and you have to start all over. if you look at it that way.

the other side of the coin? you get to make great friends, and then go on a new adventure, staying in contact with some and making  more. it's a unique opportunity to see what the world has to offer. to take in different cultures and different lifestyles. to be exposed to different ways of life and different ideas. i'm not sure you can pay for this experience.

mama kat's writers workshop: my husband makes me proud.

one of mama kat's writing prompts this week is "husbands. a post that will hopefully not get you in trouble"

i like to complain about my husband. mostly because, well....he is just so darn....husband-like. you know the type-clueless. forgetful. so much like a 16 year old boy that you sometimes forget you are not his mother? 

i was going to tap out this lovely little ditty about how he woke up at 6am to go turn on the blender, subsequently waking me AND the tiny terrorist that resides on the other side of the house. or maybe i would recycle this gem from when he was forgetful (one of the MANY times). 

but as i was drafting what i would say, i changed my mind. so, here is what i think about my husband. 

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joel,

there are plenty of husbands who are the bread winners for their families. they wake early, come home late, working hard all day to provide a life for their families, allowing their wives to stay home with their children. that doesn't make you unique. 

what makes you special, what makes me proud, is not that you do, it's what you do. 

you are a smart man. when we were in college, i have this distinct memory of you never studying. we would walk to class, then meet up a few hours later after classes were over, and go eat, or go hang out with friends, go to a movie, go to a club meeting or a coffee shop. a park, or the pool. but never once do i remember you cracking a book. i would come upstairs to hang out and you would be playing video games or tinkering with some electronic thing. or goofing off with some of the guys on the floor. but not studying. 

when you told me that if you didn't pass our ballroom dance class, you wouldn't graduate, i assumed it was because your other classes were lacking, and that, indeed, this class would be a make or break class for you. it made sense, since you never studied. but then when grades came in and you graduated with a 3.85 CUMULATIVE, i thought maybe there was an error on your transcript. or maybe you misrepresented yourself.

you graduated in four years, which seems, in this day, an oddity. you scored a 98 on your asvab. you have a degree in computer science, and a masters in IT management. it seems that you could do whatever you choose with your life, and you would be wildly successful in whatever arena you choose. 

but that's not why i married you. 

while many people your age were "finding themselves" and enjoying their college years to the fullest extent, you made a commitment to serve your country. you could have joined a fraternity or done internships for some big money making company. but you chose a route that would undoubtedly be less lucrative, but would challenge you and force you to put service before self. on. the. daily. 

while many college students were sleeping off a hangover, you were up before the sun, working out and keeping yourself "fit to fight". 

while most people floundered through the first semesters of school, failing a couple of classes, switching majors 4 times (ahem....not me. someone else i know......), trying to figure out what they want to do, you decided a major, stuck with it, and excelled at it. 

you work hard. just like millions of other people. but in your off time, you go deliver meals with meals on wheels. you volunteer your time helping kids. you volunteer at animal shelters (all with your lovely wife, of course). you could rest on your laurels, knowing you're off the clock. but even in your off time, you want to help other people. 

you sacrifice birthdays. anniversaries. family vacations. eventually, maybe births of children. all for people you have never met, some of whom don't agree with what you do, so they can speak out (sometimes against you), so they can protest (sometimes at your fallen comrades funerals), so they can be free (sometimes as they attempt to take the freedoms of others). you leave your family behind, so that theirs are safe. and you chose to do this, knowing that you would face opposition. 

this is why i married you (one of the many reasons). this is what makes me so proud of you. there are others who do less, who are compensated more. but there is a sense of pride that you carry with you. 

i am proud to be your wife. i am proud of the life we have built. and i am proud of the father you are and will be. 

i love you. 

sometimes, i get real.

i've been kind of fluffy lately. fluffy and absent. 

i have so much running through my crazy brain but i am trying to wait for the right time to say the right things. i'm pretty sure if i wait too long i may forget what i have to share. 

i have a struggle. i've talked about it before, here and here. i suffer from pcos and/or unexplained infertility. the doctors can't agree. but as of 3 weeks ago, it's clinical pcos (poly cystic ovary syndrome).

when i wrote about it last time, it was the end of september. we had officially been trying for about 3 months. i knew it was a long shot, but i thought i was pregnant. i hoped i was pregnant. 

but i wasn't. obviously. 

people assured me that after having a child, sometimes your body "fixes itself". but it didn't. i kept waiting for the fix. i kept waiting for it to just happen, naturally. like "normal" women. 

joel kept telling me to go to the doctor, we know what worked last time, so i should just go through the same steps. i agreed. i told him i would make an appointment. monday. first thing.

but i never did. i was afraid. afraid that i would make the appointment and go in and i would be told i had to wait again. or had to go through more tests. or had to see "specialists" and take lots of medicines that i didn't know enough about. i was afraid that they would tell me i shouldn't get pregnant right now. or that i couldn't get pregnant ( i know, i know, why would they tell me that? but my imagination is very active). 

i put it off, week after week, just hoping that i would wind up pregnant and wouldn't have to worry about it. wouldn't spend days believing i was, only to find out 8 weeks later that my body had, once again, deceived me. it was a cruel game i played with my mind. 

then, in january, i decided to take control of the game. i made an appointment, and i went in. i had to go on base first, to get a referral to a specialist (hoop #1). then, of course i had to go to the lab and get a pregnancy test, just to be sure (hoop #2. and negative, in case you were wondering), then i got a referral, found a provider and made an appointment. (hoop #3)

the day of my appointment, i was nervous. i had no idea what to expect. my mind raced as i sat in the waiting room, an older couple sitting across from me, and a young girl, maybe 16, sitting with her dad behind me. 

my mind went to that dark place of, "how unfair. she didn't even want to be pregnant. she can't even handle a baby. here i am, trying, able, capable, responsible........". i snapped back to reality. this poor girl. she didn't want to be pregnant. her whole life, changed in an instant. but what i would give to have her "burden". 

it sounds strange, maybe even a little mean. but when you follow all the steps, when you do things "the right way", when you plan and pray and save, and then things don't happen like they should, it's hard not to be a little bitter. a little resentful. but i told myself, self? you are so blessed already. you have a beautiful baby. an awesome husband. a good life. you are loved and you know how to love. stop being envious. your time will come. when He says it's time. it will be. 

some form of this has become my mantra. each day, i remind myself of how much i have been blessed with. how much has been put in my keep. how much i have to be grateful for. 

they called me back into the exam room, and we went over my charts and talked. she reassured me. she was on board with my plan. "let's make you a baby!" she told me, at the end of our meeting. 

no tests.

no doubts.

no worries.

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if you haven't yet, check out the hidden in my heart doll giveaway! only 2 more days!!! 

insecure

I was 7.

I had big feet and I ran slowly and disjointedly, my upper half going much faster than my lower half. I had long arms and a short torso and I was uncoordinated.

I tried hard. I wanted to be good.

I was insecure.

I was 10.

To play the position I wanted, I had to race my best friend to it. She was faster than I was, but I wanted it more. I'm pretty sure she let me win. I played by default.

and I was insecure.

I was 13.

Everyone was older then I was, better than I was. They had all played together for forever. They moved as a unit. I got cut. I worked hard all summer. The next year, I tried again. the coach told me he let me make the team because he felt bad I hadn't made it before.

And I was insecure.

I was 14.

I wanted to make varsity. People told me I wasn't good enough. But I tried hard.and I made it. Varsity as a freshman. I worked hard. I ran hard. I wasn't fast but I pushed myself. Every day. Hard.

And I was good.

But I was insecure.

I was 18.

My parents had just divorced and I was on my own in a world full of pretty girls and the boys who chose them. I went to class and tried hard. I was top in my classes most semesters.  But I went to parties and disappeared.

I was insecure.

I was 20.

I switched schools. I tried to fit in. I made friends with some shady people. Then I made new friends. I opened up in ways I never had. They accepted me. They loved me.

I was still insecure. 

I was 25.

They brought her into my room and put her in my arms. I sat, my husband by my side, and nursed my new born baby. I held her hand and she held my heart. My baby. My husband. And me.

And I was secure.

a 13 month old lives here.

how can i tell? let me count the ways....

i spend all day cleaning only to walk back through the house and see a path of destruction.

last year, when things got quiet, all was right with the world. now? i kind of start to panic. because that usually means bella has destroyed something.

i find bananas in the weirdest places.

i have a whole new respect for stain removers.

being spontaneous means planning something a day in advance, and then spending the next 24 hours making sure i don't forget something. though inevitably, i will run out of wipes while standing in the bathroom changing her poopy diaper.

our date night plans depend on how much we want to pay the babysitter. it's often the difference between an epic saga and a mindless comedy. or staying in all together.

a fun day of shopping usually ends up with me coming home with bags and bags....of baby stuff.

lunch dates include the options of chic-fil-a, jumpin' jax or a similarly entertaining space.

i know my floors are clean when i don't cringe when bella decides she will be having lunch off the ground.

my shows on the DVR have slowly gone from racy dramas about steamy doctors, to animated shows about talking trains and clay-mation lambs.

our bedtime routine is a nice long bubble bath, reading a good book, then listening to music to go to bed. and then i drag myself to my bed, where i fall asleep with one leg hanging off the side. sometimes? i only make it to the couch.

my life has changed so dramatically. i wouldn't trade it. not for all the sleep in the world.

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and don't forget to enter the smartipants giveaway! ends january 20th at 12 pm est! 

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gone, but don't forget me

i'm at the beach. it's blissful.

it's also bella's first ever trip to the sea. which is funny to realize considering she was conceived and spent more than half of her gestation living on an island. poor kid.

but, it's obvious that she was meant for the ocean. walking out into the surf for the first time ever, held right in front of me, she kicked her legs and laughed. the bigger the waves the more she would giggle, and when they crashed on us she would squeal with delight. i started dunking her down right before the waves hit us, and she would flap her arms, splashing the water, with a big grin on her face. she loves it.

and the beach? i fully expected her to put sand in her mouth, then rub it in her eyes and be done. but she navigates through the sand like a pro, digging with her pointer finger, smooshing it through her toes, picking up tiny shells and looking at them.

and she loves building sandcastles with her daddy. he dug her a little pool and stuck her in it, which she swiftly climbed out of.

so he dig it deeper.

then at least she stayed in one place for a moment.

we are here through saturday, so please forgive me if i am absent. living in the moment is hard when you are connected.

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i'm tired. but what else is new

we have had drama this morning. all before the ripe old hour of 10. lots and lots of drama. i don't even want to get into it, because it's embarrassing. to my dog. not me. let's just say, he is hurtin'.

and my coffee is cold. again.

so i am taking my comp day today. what's that you say? i don't get a comp day? well in paradise, i get what i want. when i want it.

so here. my momma has started blogging, and while most people would cringe at the thought, i am loving it. because my momma is a great writer. and she has a different perspective on things. like how awesome my kid is.

i get what i want AND i get to hear about how awesome my kid is. AND you get to meet a new cool blogger.

so here is my momma. go check her out. she calls herself yaya. and so does bella. it's real cute.

how i spent my summer vacation. the final installment

day 3. remember how i said that the final day couldn't get worse? uh huh. and i promised i would eat my words. because i am really hungry. OBVIOUSLY.

we wake up, and after sleeping on cots AND a thermarest, i actually got a wonderful nights sleep. i woke up to the birds chirping and slept in until 8:30!! that never happens. i never get to sleep in at home, so the fact that i got to sleep in and then get up and drink coffee while the baby continued to sleep, meant that this was going to be the best day ever.

we decided to pack up before it got hot so that we could sit around and relax afterwards. we start folding chairs, and tarps, when the ants start biting. i got 6 on one foot, 4 on the other, 4 on my chest, and on my tush. fire ants in georgia are, in a word, ruthless (monday night, my foot was swollen so much, that i couldn't bend my ankle).

by the time we're packed, it's about 10:30 and we just decide it's time to go. we enjoyed our trip, but i think we were all ready to get outta dodge and get to our a/c and showers we didn't have to wear shoes in to, especially since now i can't put my shoes on.

last time joel and i camped on this lake, we wandered into augusta and found a shane's bbq. this was our plan today, too. after packing the cars, we would head into town for lunch before making our way back home. we were the last to leave and rather than take more time taking a shower, joel decided to go jump in the lake to cool off. he came back, toweled off outside of the car and then got in.

we get all the way to shane's and......well......here's where it gets dicey. we pull into the parking lot, and start looking for joel's shirt and wallet. our car is, like, a mess, so it's frustrating trying to find anything in there, but he KNOWS for a fact that his wallet and shirt were on his seat when he got in the car.

yes, they were in his seat when he grabbed his towel. he opened the door, then put his wallet in his shirt. then put his shirt on the roof. then toweled off. then.......crap.................

remember when joel put the camera on top of the car? and i drove around for 40 minutes with it up there, wondering where the camera went? and then i found it wedged in between the roof and the roof rack? well, this isn't like that time. this time, the shirt and the wallet were NOT stuck between the roof and the roof rack. or anywhere else in or on our car, for that matter.

we turned around and flew back towards the site in silence. i knew the minute either of us started talking, it wasn't going to be pretty. we get back to the campground and both get out and scour the site. when we don't find it there, we drive slowly down the road sweeping back and forth, hoping to see a dirt colored shirt, or a more dirt colored wallet. about halfway down the small road leading to the campground, i see his shirt in the grass!! i pull over and joel leaps out of the car. he pops back up in the window a few seconds later, showing me the shirt, holding it up by the shoulders. now, i could care less about this stupid shirt, which is why the grin on his face makes me want to slap him. there is no wallet. just his ugly, brown t-shirt. so he climbs back in and we keep going.

at this point, i assume the wallet has been picked up, and someone is having a good time at the corner store buying $4 fuzzy navels. but we keep looking anyway.

about 1/2 a mile down the road, i think i see it and slam on the brakes and swerve off the road. joel gets out again, sprinting down the road. i watch in the rear view mirror as he bends over, picks the thing up, and then hangs his head and drops his shoulders. all i can think is that it's NOT actually his wallet.

he turns around and holds it up and informs me that it IS, in fact, his wallet, but there are no cards in it. we walk up and down the street, assuming someone took the cards and threw the empty wallet out the window.

but then, from the side of the road, we see the stack of cards, splayed out through the grass.

we gather up the cards, and get back in the car.

surprisingly, on the way home, we talked about how much fun the weekend was. yes, despite the rain, the wind, ant bites, more rain and lost wallet, we actually had a really good time. on the way home, we "debriefed" about how we could make the next trip better. um, how about we check the weather, spray for bugs and not put valuable things on the roof? or, better idea, how bout we go to a holiday inn. yeah. that sounds good to me.

how i spent my summer vacation. part 2.

our first day of camping ended with all of us and all of our things being soaked. we all went to bed around 1 am, to the sounds of rain pelting the tent.

because the baby's pack n play got soaked as well, she ended up sleeping on a mat on the floor. with me. which means i got about one solid hour of sleep. because at 2:30, she started crawling around the tent. and didn't go back to sleep until 4. when my bladder decided it needed to be relieved. then, our dog puked in the tent. and then got OUT of the tent and disappeared. so i finally went to sleep at about 5:30am. when the sun came up.

and boy did it. saturday was a BEAUTIFUL day. we got up and started dragging all of our stuff out into the sunshine. we got in the kayaks and canoes, blew up all the floats, and got to relaxing. it looked like this day may actually shape up to be pretty nice.

at about 3, we decided to head into augusta, so joel could turn in one of his papers, which he would need the internet for. and guess what? starbucks just started offering free wi-fi. yep. that's our excuse. it definitely wasn't because we packed instant coffee that joel brought back from haiti that tasted like dirt. or that starbucks is notoriously cold. or the plethora of yummy goodness that comes out of there magic blender. it was because he needed to submit a paper. and only starbucks could help us out with this task.

we start to head back after our short (3 hour) excursion to "submit joel's paper", and we see the clouds start to get dark. right over where our campground is. oh heck. here we go again.

we pull up just in time for the wind to start. this time, we got smart. we brought all the chairs into a tent, lined the fronts of the tents with coolers and bricks (where the crap were those bricks yesterday!?), and rolled all the stuff we wanted to keep dry into the middle of the tents. we took everything down that could blow away, and then we climbed into the tents and sealed them up tight.

and the rain came.

fortunately this time, it let up after about an hour, and stopped completely after another 30 minutes or so. the boys were able to actually start a fire, and we busted all the food back out.

while our tent held up like a champ, and stayed relatively dry, my dad's tent on the other hand, didn't make it out so well. all that stuff we spent the entire day drying? soaked again. sleeping bags, sheets, clothes. even their cots had puddles on them.

note to self: if a company specializes in tents, they probably make a pretty good one. if they specialize in, oh, say......jeeps, well, their camping stuff is probably alright. in ideal conditions. monsoon rains and high winds? not ideal. you get what i'm trying to say? moving on.

dad decided that the holiday inn was more his camping style and they hightailed it out of there after our hot dog and baked beans dinner. which worked in my favor. i am not above sleeping on a wet cot.

after a good nights sleep, and somewhat dryer conditions, the final day has GOT to be better. really it can NOT get worse.

stay tuned as i eat. my. words.

happy memorial day!

we celebrate this day in honor of those who have served and fallen in the line of duty, serving in the armed forces. i am proud of all of my family members who have served and are serving in the armed forces, and proud that bella has such a brave daddy.

in my family, on my dad's side, my grandfather served in the navy, my uncle served and fought during the gulf war in the air force, my dad was in the air force and my aunt and cousin are civilians with the air force. on my mom's side, my uncle served in the air force. and of course my husband is currently serving in the air force.

we may not always agree politically (and i mean throughout history) with our commander in chief, but there are men and women who, on a daily basis, in all parts of the world, put their lives on the line and have put their lives on the line so that we may enjoy freedoms, like playing outside without fear. putting our children in schools where they are free to learn. speaking our mind about things that matter most. writing this blog. reading this blog. you know, that simple stuff. that most of us take for granted.

so for those fallen, thank you for the ultimate sacrifice. to my husband and family, i am so very proud of you. and to friends who are currently in iraq and afghanistan, come home safely.

happy memorial day.