scared

i may have just inadvertently passed on my bug phobia to bella.

it wasn't intentional. i swear.

first some background. i. am. TERRIFIED. of all things creepy crawly. i think with the exception of lady bugs and maybe caterpillars (if i don't think about it too much), anything that is small and insecty leaves me frozen in fear. quite literally.

a few years ago, while we were living in hawaii, i was in the back yard, doing some cleaning and mowing. i reached out to put the cover on the grill, threw it up over the top and began to spread it out. then i saw it. a big old ugly centipede. it wasn't the biggest i have seen-maybe 4 or 5 inches long, 1/2 an inch wide. centipedes may be the nastiest, ugliest, meanest, creepy-crawliest of all bugs. and my hand was less than a foot away from it. i jumped back from the grill. then i stood there, trembling, unable to move due to the fear that had taken over me.

that's what it's like when i see bigger bugs. i am frozen. i start to panic a little. sometimes i cry.

irrational? absolutely. but it is also absolutely real.

when bella came along, i didn't want her to have any of my fears. aside from bugs, there aren't really any. i do kind of freak out when i am in too small a space or am not able to move my arms. but other than that, i consider myself somewhat brave. i'm not scared of heights or water (i have a healthy respect for water, though), not scared of dogs, or birds, or being alone. but bugs, that's another story.

so, i tried to not freak out about bugs when bella could see me. it was hard at first. my instincts want to scream or cry. i start to shake, sometimes violently. but, especially lately, i have been trying really hard to hold it together.

then there was this morning.

we are walking out to the car and in the doorway, right outside is a roach. one of those big ones. and bella is reaching for it.

"NO!!!" i scream without thinking. 


she jumps back. looks at me with a scared expression. her lip juts out and starts to quiver, ever so slightly.


"i'm sorry, baby. it's ok. don't be scared. that's just yucky. don't touch it because it's yucky." i tell her, as i pick her up.


but i am shaking all over. and i know she can feel it. she squeezes my arms tightly and starts to whimper. 


"daddy, come clean up the bug please." i try to sound calm and confident. i am failing.


joel comes in with a box, scoops it up and shows it to bella. 


"see bella, nothing to be scared of." he touches it. a shiver goes down my spine. bella hides her face in my shoulder. 


joel takes it and puts it somewhere. i assume it's in the trash. outside. 


a little while later, i am doing dishes and i hear bella scream. it sounds like she is hurt. when she cries, we try to not make a big deal out of it, so i walk calmly to her and ask, "what's wrong?" 


then i see it. the box. on the floor, upside down and open. bella is standing several feet away. frozen. shaking. and crying. 


i throw our, "let's make her tough and not make a big deal out of things" stance out the window, sweep her up and go sit on the couch, far away from the little intruder. 


we rock and i tell her, "it's alright. nothing to be scared of. it'a just a bug. it's just yucky. but it's not scary."


i get up, hold her close and walk over to the box. i kick it over and let her look at it from the safety of my arms. "see bella? nothing scary." 


i flip the box back over and slide it out the door, being very careful not the let it open up, lest the nastiness inside jump out and land on my face. i shut the door and walk back to the couch. she is still shaking. still whimpering. 


"it's ok. it's ok. it's just a bug. nothing to be scared of." i tell myself, as much as i tell her. 

open mouth, insert....BUG!?

my life is really not that interesting. lately, though, we have had some.....share worthy events. i don't pretend to think that everyone cares. my mom does. she cares about everything i do. she even wants to know when i vacuum my floor. and you'll see why when i share this story.

have i talked about my crippling fear of bugs? let's go there for a minute. i have a crippling fear of all things creepy and crawly. actually i kind of have a lot of silly little fears. and i am pretty sure they are all self inflicted.

let me explain.

anything with more than 4 legs, and 2 eyes is just unnatural. as is anything with less than two leg (unless it's supposed to have two legs, but by some unfortunate event, no longer does.) i don't know exactly when i concocted this theory, but i think it was around 10th grade.

living in hawaii only served to exacerbate that fear, when, after having lived there for maybe 2 months, a centipede the size of a ruler came crawling towards me. (i'm getting the creepy crawlies just THINKING about it. blaaah). one of the worst "episodes", if you will, was when i went to put the cover on the grill one night, and as i tossed it over the top, i spotted a centipede that was maybe 4 inches long and half an inch wide. i stood, LITERALLY unable to move in the yard for a couple of minutes. i started crying, because i could. not. move. i am so not kidding.

so, bugs. me. not a match made in heaven.

well, last night, my brave-to-a-fault baby decided to find a little creepy crawly and PUT. IT. IN. HER. MOUTH! right about the time joel was wrist deep in raw meat.

here's how this unfolded-

i'm cooking, joel is slicing, bella is crawling around getting into trouble. usual scene. i wash my hands, go pick her up and sit down in the rocker to cuddle a little. she smiles with that wide open mouth smile she has and curled up on her little baby tongue is BUG!! it's one of those millipede looking things. the ones that curl up and have lots of little legs. i don't know where it came from or how it got in my house, but there it is, inside her mouth.

in about 1/100th of a second all these thoughts start flooding my mind about her swallowing it, or getting bit (i don't even know if those things bite), then how it would feel in her mouth, then how terrified i am of bugs, HOW THE H AM I GOING TO GET IT OUT!?!?!

now, let me remind you that not only do i teach lifesaving, but i also greatly stress staying calm in an emergency.

but not when it's my baby. and she has a BUG IN HER MOUTH!!

so what do i do? run around screaming, of course! what any good mother would do!

bella is unphased, until i stick my finger, wrapped in a paper towel, in her mouth and try to pull it out. and it goes over to her cheek (why do babies have such small mouths anyway!?!?) then i stick my finger in there and it is on her LIP! (HER LIP!!!!) so i knock it off onto the ground. then i pull her to my chest and say, "i'm so sorry! i'm so sorry! i'm so sorry!" over and over again, until she stops crying.

dramatic? yes. have you met me or my child? we are, in fact, quite dramatic (though i am trying to rise above that, and doing it with flying colors, i might add).

most people who overcome fears talk about a catalyst moment that propelled them through their fear and they walked away from it and never looked back. was this my moment? not. even. close. because today i saw another one of those bugs (can someone please tell me where they are coming from!?), and i snatched bella off the ground, put her in her pack and play and started vacuuming.