then it will get hard again.
it will be something different. when babies are teeny, it's hard because it's new. sitting here, while my 10 month old is sound asleep, i can remember, when she was small, sleeping on the couch for close to 2 months. i just couldn't quite figure out how i could sleep in my bed. my baby WOULD. NOT. SLEEP. in anything except her swing. and only for an hour or two at a time, if that. my boobies hurt. my back hurt. my head hurt. other places hurt. and in ways i never imagined. and my heart hurt. which i didn't expect.
those first few weeks were so hard emotionally. i wanted to just sit and hold my little child, but i also wanted to hold my husband. and snuggle with him in the morning. and i wanted to snuggle with my pup, who, up until then, had been our baby. i wanted to spend every moment looking at bella. because it was amazing that she even existed. but the more time i spent with her, the less time i had to spend with joel. when bella was about 4 weeks old, i cried for the first time. i was so sorry that i wasn't being a good wife. a good friend. but it was a new dimension to our relationship and i didn't know how to function.
things have settled tremendously now. i feel normal again. things aren't easy. but they feel right.
some days, i long for those early moments again. when i would be wide awake at 2 in the morning, feeling like i was the only one in the world who was awake. then waking again at 6, and watching the sun rise as i nursed my newborn. it was so peaceful and beautiful.
every day was an adventure. every thing was new and exciting. now, things are routine and comfortable. we have fallen into a routine of stumble out of bed, play all morning, nap (sometimes both of us) and then around 12, my day actually starts. some
most days i get overwhelmed. i throw my keys away, i leave cars unlocked (which leads to things being stolen from us), i lose things, i break things, and most days i feel like a bit of a failure. then bella walks over to me, puts her head in my lap and makes kissy mouths at me. and i feel like super mom.
it's all pretty fantastic. and i don't know why i am so blessed.