Sunday, October 17, 2010

a note to brand new mommas......

it will get easier. 

then it will get hard again. 

it will be something different. when babies are teeny, it's hard because it's new. sitting here, while my 10 month old is sound asleep, i can remember, when she was small, sleeping on the couch for close to 2 months. i just couldn't quite figure out how i could sleep in my bed. my baby WOULD. NOT. SLEEP. in anything except her swing. and only for an hour or two at a time, if that. my boobies hurt. my back hurt. my head hurt. other places hurt. and in ways i never imagined. and my heart hurt. which i didn't expect. 

those first few weeks were so hard emotionally. i wanted to just sit and hold my little child, but i also wanted to hold my husband. and snuggle with him in the morning. and i wanted to snuggle with my pup, who, up until then, had been our baby. i wanted to spend every moment looking at bella. because it was amazing that she even existed. but the more time i spent with her, the less time i had to spend with joel. when bella was about 4 weeks old, i cried for the first time. i was so sorry that i wasn't being a good wife. a good friend. but it was a new dimension to our relationship and i didn't know how to function.

things have settled tremendously now. i feel normal again. things aren't easy. but they feel right. 

some days, i long for those early moments again. when i would be wide awake at 2 in the morning, feeling like i was the only one in the world who was awake. then waking again at 6, and watching the sun rise as i nursed my newborn. it was so peaceful and beautiful. 

every day was an adventure. every thing was new and exciting. now, things are routine and comfortable. we have fallen into a routine of stumble out of bed, play all morning, nap (sometimes both of us) and then around 12, my day actually starts. some most days i get overwhelmed. i throw my keys away, i leave cars unlocked (which leads to things being stolen from us), i lose things, i break things, and most days i feel like a bit of a failure. then bella walks over to me, puts her head in my lap and makes kissy mouths at me. and i feel like super mom. 

it's all pretty fantastic. and i don't know why i am so blessed. 


3 comments:

Kristy said...

I felt the same way with a newborn. Just totally out of sorts. And then judging myself for feeling that way. I had a big adjustment period! And you know, not too many moms talk about that. I really didn't expect it and was so surprised by my feelings. Anyways, now my boy is 2 and 1/2 and I just love it. I love seeing him grow and get older. Sometimes it is bitter sweet, but I like the increased independence. For us both.

torie@Life With Rylie said...

So lovely. It's always scary in the beginning and then you get a routine down. Then something changes. And then you get a routine down. I feel like we have things down now, but we want to start trying for #2 soon. I'm so nervous of what it is going to be like with 2!

You are blessed :)

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