Tuesday, December 21, 2010

i am not the mom i want to be.

the mom i want to be, is up before the sun.

the mom i want to be, bakes cookies and cakes, but never gains a pound.

the mom i want to be, is always put together perfectly.

she is productive and motivated and gets stuff done.

the mom i am? the mom i am, tries to milk every last second of sleep before the baby gets up.

the mom i am doesn't keep any sugar in the house (except for at christmastime. because christmas and sugar? go hand in hand), because guaranteed i will gain 20 pounds if i do. 

the mom i am looks disheveled and kind of smells funny. like a mixture of sleep and dog and slobber. most of the time.

i am tired, and overwhelmed, and i am lucky to check one thing off my list per day.

i am not the mom i want to be. clearly.

but i am the mom that i am. i forgo showering sometimes, so i can play chase with my little runner. i let the dishes pile so i can push bella around the house in her car, "drifting" through the door ways. and i still sometimes nap when she naps.

martha stewart, i am not. i'm not perfect. i don't have picture perfect moments. and i guarantee, if you took pictures of most of my day? it might strike fear in the hearts of engaged boys everywhere.

i am not the mom i wanted to be. but i am the mom that i am. and i am the best mom that i can be. and i think my kid is alright with that.


MrsStockham said...

All I can say Juss is that I MORE than feel your pain. I looked at my mom in the supermarket Saturday and told her that I think I am a horrible mother, that I more than likely should NOT have any more children & that I frequently fantasize about what life might have been like for Josh & I at this point had we NOT become parents (EXACTLY 11 months ago on the 26th). I sit and think about all this ESPECIALLY when I am a single parent for months at a time while Josh is deployed. I really feel like if left to just me, I'll ruin our son. People look at me like I am a WHACKadoodle when I say that, but I have this DEEP welling fear that I am going to be a serious disappointment to Paxton somehow...someday and I'd rather avoid it. I don't know what everyone else on the outside looking in knows that I don't, but they frequently do what I am about to do to you...and it only gives me comfort for about 2.2 seconds. Even if it only lasts for that long for you....lol...its better than nothin' right? You're a wonderful mom. You're the PERFECT mom for B. You were meant to be HER mommy and she LOVES you SO much. She has no idea that you smell like drool, sleep and puke. To HER you smell like "mommy" and that's the SWEETEST smell in the world. She has NO idea that you try to milk every moment of sleep out of the day that you can, because when she NEEDS you...you're THERE. That's all she knows. It is on heck of a complicated notion...to give EVERYthing you have to ONE little person all day...lose a bit of yourself in each moment....but for the sake of her becoming the B that you know she can be...you do it. Moms are the bomb....so are you...lol...so am I. I can say this now...but when Paxton wakes me and Josh up in 4 more hours...I'll think I am a failure again because I can't get my kid to sleep 11 hours straight. =) Lol...oh the things we tell ourselves. I wish I could give you a hug. No one tells us the rotten secrets about being a mom that pop up after our bundles of joy come out to greet us. But...out of the darkest soil come the most beautiful flowers. And yeah...when I first heard that I wanted to strangle the person that said it too. Lol...when you feel like you feel....there's nothin to do but cry (I only have time to do that in the shower these days...yes, you CAN cry in the shower, I thought it was impossible, but you CAN...still tastes salty too...) and when you're done crying you'll do what we all do....go find your little angel and all the sudden you have a reason to smile. You have each other. =)

Allison said...

OMG these posts made me tear up a little bit! I totally feel how both of you feel. Justine we are on the same page! I sometimes think okay there are moms out there that are busy busy busy all day doing this and that and taking care of baby.. I'm like I spend so much time with Lexie how does it happen?!? And I Definately never set an alarm every time Lexie wakes I'm like oh please oh please go back to sleep just a little longer and when she does it still doesn't help. When I get dressed and do my hair and make up it's a rare occassion. People think because you stay at home means you have all the time in the world to make your house spotless... I still have yet to find that day! This makes me feel better just knowing I am not the only one who struggles from time to time.

R said...

the previous posters said it pretty much perfectly, and while I work full-time outside of the home (oh how I wish I didn't have to sometimes! although hubs say I'd never be able to be a stay-at-home mom because I'd never get anything done!) ;) I feel ya. You could almost be writing about me. (and I really hope the people at work can't smell me, or aren't looking too closely at my greasy-ish hair - ick.) Don't really have much else to say that hasn't been said (oh, and mine is almost two... as in - just a few weeks shy of TWO.) Just wanted to let you know you're not alone :)

Justine said...

i love that i'm in such good company.

i never thought a one year old (or any small child, for that matter) could make such a mess and create such havoc. my husband calls her a terrorist. a tiny little terrorist. and we don't negotiate with terrorists. apparently. =)

torie@Life With Rylie said...

Like all the previous commenters stated, we all feel that way sometimes. It's nice to know that we are not alone. Not perfect, but exactly who we are suppose to be for our children. God doesn't make mistakes :)

And is that the scary face in the video? Too funny! I do think that they would be bff's. We would have two tiny terrorists on our hands though :)

Justine said...

torie-that is the scary face-and it get's better. or worse? i have yet to get the full thing captured. lol

and yes. two tiny terrorists. it would be a riot. haha

Amanda said...

Though I haven't met little Bella, in person. I know you, your mother, and your grandmother. I can honestly say that you are the best kind of mother. Sure we all have these ideals we like to achieve... Never in my wildest did I think I would be 30 and unmarried, without children. It is how we learn to adapt to reality that shows our true spirit. YOU are a great mother. The best kind of mothers don't accomplish much that they think they should, but their child doesn't know the difference. You say you smell funny. Bella says you smell like mommy. So the house is messy, I say lived in. I feel uncomfortable around the robots that have perfect homes and perfect hair and outfits with a small child running around. It makes me wonder if she is chaining them to the wall. So take heart you are the BEST kind of woman, and the Greatest kind of mother. <3 you!

angela said...

I think everyone feels like this at some point. Having these little people in our lives makes us strive to do the best we can, but sometimes our best just means loving them and making it through to the next day! Is it always pretty? Definitely not, but when you strip down the niceties of fresh baked goods, hot showers, and sleeping in, the love is still there, and that's the most important part.