Monday, January 24, 2011

insecure

I was 7.

I had big feet and I ran slowly and disjointedly, my upper half going much faster than my lower half. I had long arms and a short torso and I was uncoordinated.

I tried hard. I wanted to be good.

I was insecure.

I was 10.

To play the position I wanted, I had to race my best friend to it. She was faster than I was, but I wanted it more. I'm pretty sure she let me win. I played by default.

and I was insecure.

I was 13.

Everyone was older then I was, better than I was. They had all played together for forever. They moved as a unit. I got cut. I worked hard all summer. The next year, I tried again. the coach told me he let me make the team because he felt bad I hadn't made it before.

And I was insecure.

I was 14.

I wanted to make varsity. People told me I wasn't good enough. But I tried hard.and I made it. Varsity as a freshman. I worked hard. I ran hard. I wasn't fast but I pushed myself. Every day. Hard.

And I was good.

But I was insecure.

I was 18.

My parents had just divorced and I was on my own in a world full of pretty girls and the boys who chose them. I went to class and tried hard. I was top in my classes most semesters.  But I went to parties and disappeared.

I was insecure.

I was 20.

I switched schools. I tried to fit in. I made friends with some shady people. Then I made new friends. I opened up in ways I never had. They accepted me. They loved me.

I was still insecure. 

I was 25.

They brought her into my room and put her in my arms. I sat, my husband by my side, and nursed my new born baby. I held her hand and she held my heart. My baby. My husband. And me.

And I was secure.

4 comments:

Kristy said...

Oh, that is beautiful. Beautifully written, and I'm sure so many women can relate. I sure do. Love it.

shirley said...

I never knew you were insecure! I've always loved you and you always seemed to excel in everything you did. I'm sure there are many insecure people who really don't have a reason to be but are anyway. I'm so glad you feel secure now. I love you. Mamaw

Judy Jacobs said...

Justine, this is a beautiful blog! Amazing what having your own baby can do for you. I remember when I gave birth to Amy, our firstborn. When I left the hospital and went to mom's for a few days, (Chuck was having to work away with his job) I remember picking her up and looking at her and thought to myself, "If no one else in this world loves me, this little baby will love me." It was an awesome feeling to know that I had something that was all mine! And she has forever been a blessing, along with my other 2.

Cassie said...

Beautifully written. I am inspired by your honesty.

Just found your blog and I am excited to follow!