Sunday, September 12, 2010

confession (and a teaser)

i have a confession that i just now feel comfortable sharing.

when i was pregnant, people would always ask, "are you so excited?!", "i bet you just can't wait to see that little baby!!", and "isn't it just so amazing!?"

of course i would answer, "oh, yes! we can't wait to meet her." and i always said her, or it, and never bella or bean or pea or any other cute nickname. but on the inside, i was thinking, "".

don't get me wrong. i wanted a baby more than anything. we had tried for a while to have her, and we were over the moon that we were going to start a family. but other than getting fat and hurling and being tired and YUCK all the time, i really didn't connect with the fact that there was a BABY growing in my uterus. i KNEW she was in there. because that's what the doctor told me. but emotionally, i didn't feel like there was anything different happening. i didn't even buy any baby clothes, because, i mean, hello, i didn't HAVE a baby. we didn't even have the nursery put together until she was due. and really, it didn't come together for another month. not because we didn't have the space, or the money, or were busy. i just didn't have that inspiration.

confession #2-in the hospital, after all the doctors and nurses and my family went away, and i sat there holding my baby, i looked at her and thought, "is this the right baby? i think they might have mixed it up with another one." terrible, right?! i looked into her eyes (or more like her screaming mouth) and thought, "what. have. i. done?" and not in an, "oh no, i'll never sleep again" way, but in a "you have been dating for 2 years and you realize you really don't like the guy at all but you are picking out china patterns with his mom" kind of way. i kept thinking, i carried this baby for 9 months. we just went through this traumatic experience together, shouldn't i just be like, THISISMYKIDANDILOVEHERSHEISSOFREAKINGBEAUTIFULICANNOTCONTAINMYSELF! without using proper punctuation because i am so excited that everything becomes a run on sentence, a la middle school girl at a justin bieber concert (whoever that is?).

but i wasn't. i put her in the bassinet, and sat in the bed looking at her. for like 1 minute. because then i realized i was really tired and just wanted to sleep. and i had a giant cheeseburger in front of me that was getting cold and i hadn't eaten in 36 hours. so i called the nurse (gasp!!!) and had her taken to the nursery. and i didn't feel bad about it.

confession #3-i didn't "FEEL" connected to her until about a week after i brought her home. until then, i just kind of felt like she was his little vagrant holed up in my living room, leaching onto me every 2 hours and keeping me awake all night.

no one can ever deny that i love my child. she has taken over my entire life, and i couldn't be more proud of her or thrilled that she is mine. but it didn't happen like it does on tv. it wasn't a hot and heavy summer love. it was a slow cooker on low. we had to get to know each other. we had to learn to live with each other, and to accept each others flaws and quirks.

now. well, now is a different story. i am borderline obsessed with her. because she is amazing. quite possibly the coolest kid ever. sometimes, i feel sorry for other babies, because mine is that awesome.

but it wasn't always like that. and no one warned me that it might be that way. which is why it has taken me 9 months to admit this. that's right. tomorrow, TOMORROW my baby will be 9 months old.


which means be SURE to come back tomorrow because i have something exciting going on.

1 comment:

Leah said...

I'm pretty sure you're not the only mom that has ever felt that way, so don't feel ashamed.

Happy 9 months to B!!!