how it all happened, part 2

(part one, here.)

i started having this reoccurring dream. i live on the beach (in a house. a house on the beach) and the wall facing the ocean is all windows. i'm standing in the living room, looking out at the water and the waves start building, and getting bigger and bigger. then i'm outside, standing in a huge crowd of people, in the grass where it meets the sand, and i'm screaming, yelling at everyone to run as the waves reach over the height of the building. that's usually all i remember. 

some interpretations of this dream are:

"Tidal waves or tsunamis suggest that you may be in a period of 

emotional upheaval. Anxiety,stress, and unconscious materials may be 

coming to the surface and affecting your daily moods."

and

 "Dreams of impending disaster generally indicate that the dreamer 

is feeling out of control. In the case of the tidal wave, this out-of-control

 feeling is often combined with the need to make a fresh start.."

which seems about right. emotional upheaval. feeling out of control. something that is supposed to be natural, that all women are supposed to be able to do, and i can't. i have no control. and it's a very emotional thing. have you ever seen a baby? have you ever seen MY baby?! 

of course, at the time, i just thought, never. i will never ever be able to have a baby. in a world where people strung out on drugs, living in squalor, rife with disease and no personal responsibility, are able to procreate (sometimes several times), and i, fiscally and  socially responsible, healthy and who WANTS a child more than anything in the world, can't. it just didn't seem right. it didn't seem fair. and of course, if you have ever been waiting to have a baby, you know that there is a lost murphy's law that says 

if you want a baby,

every woman in the world 

will be pregnant.

it's true. everyone around me was getting pregnant. but not me. 

we got accepted into the program at the hospital. that's where we pick up. so i go in for my first appointment. 

i tell them, "PCOS. we already know. we had tests."

do they care? probably not. because the office lady didn't know how to use a computer, remember? and there is no lab work.

so after some very awkward, and sometimes painful, tests, the verdict iiiiiis...........

"unexplained infertility"

whatever that means. i think they're saying, "we don't know what the hell is wrong with you and are processing WAY too many people today to REALLY care. we'll just pump you full of drugs and hope that something catches." 

so we get started. drugs, blood samples, etc. at this point, i was so desperate, that the idea of taking medication didn't seem like a bad idea. looking back, it might not have been the BEST decision, but it resulted in the best possible scenario, so i won't lose sleep over it. 

my first "cycle" was late. by 2 weeks. so naturally, we start thinking i'm pregnant. then one morning, aunt flow knocks on the door. and i welcome her in, with a little disappointment, but also a little hope, because that means we have something to track. until 8 am, when i have bled all over everything and am starting to feel light headed. i call the hospital, and they tell me to come in immediately. but not to drive myself. and hurry. so joel comes home and takes me in. 

i have to say, i kept telling him it was no big deal, i just needed to lay down. he INSISTED i call, and then that he come and take me in. i was in a little pain, but i was in "suffering for the cause" mode. stupid ::palm to forehead::

turns out, i had some ruptured cysts. and after a day in the hospital, and an interaction with an ignorant doctor (he said, "i got in military med so i could do cool stuff in the field, and i get stuck in OB. all military wives do is get knocked up." yes. military wives are the only ones who get knocked up. and creating life is SO not cool), i'm sent home feeling a little blue, both in the face and in the heart. 

more drugs. and failed ovulation tests.

we pass the "cycle starts here" mark on the calendar, again, and head in to get more drugs. i get the standard blood test and go to work.

the doctor (not the ignorant one. a really nice one. who has seen me cry no less than 3 times) says, "wait until tonight, if i don't call, take it (you're not pregnant), if i do call.......well. we probably won't have to worry about that"

i go about my business, spending the next 4 hours in a pool with other people's blessings, laughing and playing, when i want to huddle in a corner and sob. after work, i avoid my co-workers, because they don't know what i am going through and all they want to talk about is their latest unprotected romp, resulting in a possible "scare". and that hurts. 

i shower and get dressed, and hear my phone beeping. joel, probably, calling to tell me he's ready to go home. i check my message.

"hi justine, it's dr. sympathetic-shoulder-who-thinks-this-is-futile. um.....well.....i don't know how this happened (uh duh. you are in the medical field. you don't know how this happened?) but....well......congratulations. YOU'RE PREGNANT!" 

stunned silence.......................................................................

what? 

i crumple to the floor, in disbelief. but i am hesitant to get excited. it could be false. i've already had so many scares-a chemical pregnancy, ruptured cysts, lots and lots of drugs.....i can't start thinking now after all that, that this could possibly be real. 

i tell joel when i pick him up. and he doesn't believe it either. so we don't talk about it. we don't tell friends. we don't buy baby stuff. we don't even talk names. can you imagine? almost 2 years of waiting, we're finally there, i am SO excited, but i have to keep my lips sealed. for almost 6 weeks! 

at 10 weeks, we're sitting in the bowling alley on base, during a squadron function. my BFF who has the most precious little babies ever, comes over and says, "we need to talk".

you know how the story goes (if not, read that post i just linked to). we're pregnant too! and due on the same day. 

we slowly start telling people on mother's day. "happy mother's day!! you're going to be a grandma/great grandma!" 

at 12 weeks, we feel "safe enough" to tell all of our closest friends. and then the rest of the world. 

bring on the vom. because the first 18 weeks is full of morning sickness. that lasts all day. but i welcome it. because........

I'M HAVING A BABY!!

birth story, coming soon! don't worry, it will be the disney channel version.