today i hit my breaking point for the first time. today, i had a mini mommy break down.
maybe it's the 5 1/2 months of little to no sleep, but as i sat down in the middle of my half done pile of laundry, after my half done work out, to eat my half made lunch, as bella crawled all over my legs, grabbing for my sandwich, and duke laid his head on my shoulder whining for a bite, i lost. my. mind. i started sobbing out of control.
now you might be wondering why i was sitting on the ground eating. that would be because bella wouldn't stop crying unless i was sitting beside her on the ground. she cried while i made my food, she cried when i got up to get water, she cried when i went to the bathroom. she is teething and sick and i feel like an awful momma for even being frustrated, but the girl has been crying for two days, fighting sleep and nursing NON STOP.
i know there is a reason. she needs comfort, she needs her mommy. and i am her mommy, her buffet, her diaper changer/nurturer/comforter. but every mommy has their wall, and i hit mine hard.
i laid her down in her crib and begged her to go to sleep and take a good nap. and she did. (that will never happen again, i assure you.) i went into the living room, turned all the lights off, closed the blinds and sat in the chair, sobbing. quietly of course, so as not to wake the baby.
i LOVE my child. love love LOVE her. i may even be a little obsessed with the kid. she is the most precious, wonderful baby i could ever ask for. and i feel that way 99.99 % of the time. up until THISMOMENT i have taken everything in stride. being a mommy felt like the most natural thing in the world to me and i love it. but occasionally, it's hard. and it's not fun. and it makes me want to sit down and rock back and forth sobbing like a mental patient. queue today.
but i feel better now. there's a good thunderstorm going on. she is still sleeping. i've done a little yoga, prayed a little, took a little nap, finished the laundry and sat at the table like a big girl and ate the rest of my lunch.
i know this won't be the last time i freak out a little. i hope it's a long time from now. i also hope i get some more sleep in the near future. any ideas on how to fanangle that? i'm pretty sure asking her to sleep through the night won't work.