Tuesday, June 1, 2010

hitting the wall. it ain't no fun, letmetellyou

i was going to post about all the fun we had yesterday, and i promise, i still will. but today was a bad day.

today i hit my breaking point for the first time. today, i had a mini mommy break down.

maybe it's the 5 1/2 months of little to no sleep, but as i sat down in the middle of my half done pile of laundry, after my half done work out, to eat my half made lunch, as bella crawled all over my legs, grabbing for my sandwich, and duke laid his head on my shoulder whining for a bite, i lost. my. mind. i started sobbing out of control.

now you might be wondering why i was sitting on the ground eating. that would be because bella wouldn't stop crying unless i was sitting beside her on the ground. she cried while i made my food, she cried when i got up to get water, she cried when i went to the bathroom. she is teething and sick and i feel like an awful momma for even being frustrated, but the girl has been crying for two days, fighting sleep and nursing NON STOP.

i know there is a reason. she needs comfort, she needs her mommy. and i am her mommy, her buffet, her diaper changer/nurturer/comforter. but every mommy has their wall, and i hit mine hard.

i laid her down in her crib and begged her to go to sleep and take a good nap. and she did. (that will never happen again, i assure you.) i went into the living room, turned all the lights off, closed the blinds and sat in the chair, sobbing. quietly of course, so as not to wake the baby.

i LOVE my child. love love LOVE her. i may even be a little obsessed with the kid. she is the most precious, wonderful baby i could ever ask for. and i feel that way 99.99 % of the time. up until THISMOMENT i have taken everything in stride. being a mommy felt like the most natural thing in the world to me and i love it. but occasionally, it's hard. and it's not fun. and it makes me want to sit down and rock back and forth sobbing like a mental patient. queue today.

but i feel better now. there's a good thunderstorm going on. she is still sleeping. i've done a little yoga, prayed a little, took a little nap, finished the laundry and sat at the table like a big girl and ate the rest of my lunch.

i know this won't be the last time i freak out a little. i hope it's a long time from now. i also hope i get some more sleep in the near future. any ideas on how to fanangle that? i'm pretty sure asking her to sleep through the night won't work.

11 comments:

MrsStockham said...

don't be hard on yourself...."freak out"....?? "freaking out" would have been something way worse than how you chose to deal with your feelings. i'd say you did beautifully...and i'll also say i've done that. all of it....including begging Paxton to just sleep...for a REAL nap... he didn't do it though. :o) you're doing great Juss...believe it. and prayer....great plan! use it myself pretty often.

Leah Molyneaux said...

No worries...all mommies go thru this :) While Noah and I were having our sleep battles there were many nights I wanted to just sit and scream at the top of my lungs. Working and taking care of him was a huge challenge for me as well..but I've now adjusted. Your a great mom and Bella loves you :) Glad you got to actually finish your lunch. There are many meals I end up throwing away because of my little booger! haha

Shirley said...

dolshwhoever says being a full time mom is easy just hasn't done it! Hang in there hon, it'll get better. Praying for little Bella and her teething trials! Love you much

Mary Catherine said...

I am not a mom... but a teacher to 22 first graders and I have moments like this. You did make me giggle when you said your dog was on your shoulder waiting for a bite. I hope tomorrow is better for you!

I am stopping over to follow you from SITS!

mommybyday.com said...

Five months is about the time I lost my shit. It's ok. It'll get better. *hugs*

Leah Ketchum said...

I'm so sorry it was a rough day! You handled everything beautifully! every mom goes through that from time to time... Feel better!

Justine Nelson said...

thanks for the support. i feel much better today. i know that won't be the last time i lose it, but it felt a little awful. =)

Taylor Wise said...

Girlfriend, every time Parker teethes he becomes another child. I hate those freaking teeth! ha ha Your a good mom for keeping it together this long! Honestly... Parker has whined or cried all day and I got to the point where I turned on praise music and drowned him out. He needed nothing but wanted comfort. He already had motrin, clean diaper and was full. He just wanted snuggles which he'd already had LOTS of and it didn't matter regardless... he still cried. I know it's hard but I figured he's got to learn to self soothe and/or whining isn't the way to let me know what he needs. I ignored him and let him cry and he started figuring out I'd help when he was "asking" nicely. Now (most of the time) he comes to me, grabs my hand and takes me to what he wants. With Bella at her age... sometimes you've just gotta lay her in her crib and walk away for a few minutes. It's the best thing you can do for the both of you! I definitely did that a time or two. I figure it isn't going to kill them to cry a bit and they've got to eventually learn that isn't the way to get what you want. PS- we've got the sleep thing down now! No tears and he sleeps through the night! I should have started at 6 months! Let me know when you're ready! I've tamed a sleep monster and helped 2 other friends now so when you're ready, let me know! Good luck for a better day tomorrow, mama bear!

Kim said...

Hey sweetie! Hang in there. I wish I were closer to give you a little r and r. I remember those days with you and your sis well and the next day was always better. Thank goodness for prayer and yoga! I love you so much! Mom xoxoxoxox

Justine Nelson said...

taylor. i. am. ready. =)

Carey said...

This is SO NORMAL! Cry it out when you need to. The fact that it took you five months to have a meltdown speaks volumes of your taking it in stride. And as someone else pointed out, your meltdown was pretty tame. I always put Savannah in her bed and went to my room to scream in a pillow. Then I'd take a deep breath and go right back in to her feeling 100% better. You are doing great, just hang in there. Sleep issues and teething do pass eventually.